Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Trying To Live Life

I feel like I'm not alive at the moment. There's something empty inside of me. This is weird when in the middle of pack schedule of lectures, tutorials and also activities, I feel something killing me inside. I don't what it is, but it does affect my feeling and thoughts.

I feel depressed, frustrated and stress..

Stupid me. I hate myself. I hate my life.

Friday, 30 January 2015

How I Did Before and How Can I, For Now?

Its near the end of January now.. Pheww~ time flies so fast ne.. Can't believe it has been one month since the new year.. So, what have I done for the past one month? NOTHING. Dammit.. Why do I always wasting my time for sleeping and useless things. *Damn lazy May.. Ternak lah tu perangai buruk sampai ke tua. :|

So, today is the day for the exam's result.. I still cannot check mine. I guess it will be late.. I dunno.. I've seen a lot of people posted in FB today about their result.. Ofcoz, they shared their happy and grateful feeling for having such a great achievement. While me? Still stuck with my 'telur di hujung tanduk'  zone and near the hell's door.  T_T  ..I can't have like what they got, all I ever asked is to pass all my paper and achieve a better pointer.. I dunno why suddenly everything becomes so hard.. It's so different now and then.. :|

What is it, God? What went wrong in my journey? Why everything has fallen apart when I enter Law School? Why everything becomes harder than anything I ever face before? Why everything is now out of my control? I can't take it anymore sometimes.. I have to comfort myself since the very beginning that I can do this all, but after third semester, I've just seen myself not changing and the pressure is getting bigger and harder, and I can't see that I'm moving to anywhere at all.. I said I'll try my best, but I guess its just not enough based on what I get..

I wonder, why izit so hard for me to do well in Law School? Is it because I'm focusing on two things in one time? Should I cut down my activities and let go of all my other commitment and just focus as a Law Student.. Will that makes thing better for me? Or will it just be the same?

I will feel lifeless without participating in any activity and society.. How can I live my life then? :'(

Why all this thing is killing me inside and out.. :'(

Tell me God, how can I make myself better in Law School? I dunno what else to do.. Less effort, izit? What should I do? What should I do? I keep on thinking how to solve all this problems and I am stuck with this suck feeling inside.. I just hate myself when I can't do better and disappointed my family.. NO! I should not have done that. I should make my family proud instead. But I still can't figure out how to make things going well..

I find myself with lots of weakness when I arrived here.. It is so different with my situation before.. Studying was fun and challenging back then. I was so full of passion and eager to achieve great things.. Now, studying is like hell.. It is challenging, full of pressure from many sides, and it is link with my future, so I can't play around and everything need to be serious.. But, I find myself lost in a dessert. I, sometimes dunno where am I heading. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I lost faith in myself. And I just feel like a biggest loser on earth.

Its like I barely can't do anything and just being dumb. While everyone is running towards a better future, I was just sitting on a bench, doing nothing and watching people around me move very fast. So fast that I can't even catch them up.. What's wrong actually? :'(

I can't be like this. I can't be like a loser. NO! I was a damn good fighter before. I went thru a lot of hardship in studying, I am able to survive before, why can't I do that too, now?

Why am I being such a loser now? :'(

I guess You are trying to tell me like before, that it ain't easy to achieve something great. Yes, I am the type of person that is always thirst for great achievement.. After all, what are life for if we didn't do our best to make great things and you know, to be success in extraordinary ways as much as possible.. :')

Yeah, I am greedy.. I'm craving for success. I wanted to be outstanding. I wanted to be more and more successful than I had before. I don't want to be just an ordinary girl. I am capable to be more than that. I can learn and I know I can do whatever I wanted. I need my passion and endless efforts back.

I wanna achieve more great things while I'm still young. I know its not easy.. I know I have to suffer a lot. I will take all the risk. But, God, please be with me.. :'( You're my source of strength. I know I sometimes mad at You when I started to question the struggles and sh*t that happened in my life. Those satan always find a way to bring me far from You. But, You will always find me back.. :') I might get lost, but Your love gives me the way back home.. You're my greatest "home".. I will always feel safe wherever I am, because I know, God will always stand by me..

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.."
Winston Churchill

Such an inspiring quote that I shall remember whenever I feel down.. :')

I know, the road to success is never been easy.. There's no short cut, and especially for someone like me with 'rare background', its harder than any other normal person.. Sometimes I can be so strong and forget all the obstacles that I possessed, but sometimes, I can be so weak and cried over all the things that blocked me from doing the normal things that others can easily do..

I have so many dreams and wishes.. I really wanted to do all of it before I die.. I wanna pushed myself so hard while I'm still young so that I can achieve all the wishes that I have.. Maybe, I did have silly wishes that others can easily do..but its different when you are in my shoes.. Even those little things that people find it simple, could be so hard and risky for me to do.. 'Cuz I am not like them. I have 'something' on me that prevent me from doing things that I wanted.. How I wish I was born with such convenience, ease and pleasure.. But I know life won't be challenging then.. All I ever wanted is just one thing and every sh*t that may come, I don't mind at all.. I will face it with all my strength.. But, its just so hard for me to get that thanggg.. And all my strength are wasted for that one thing..

Don't give up May.. :') Fight till the end.. I know what I am capable of.. This one thing can't prevent me from creating a better future for myself.. I will defeat it.. Only the stronger will survive, and I am one of the strongest person that will survive..

Life is weird.. It can be so easy and it can be so hard.. I dunno what's waiting for me in front, but I'm just hoping and preparing myself for every difficulties that I need to face.. I hate to complain, feel down and losing strength.. It makes me feel suck. It makes me hate myself for not strong enough to fight the battle, and to sum up everything, I hate to be a loser. That is not me. 

Dammit May.. How can I get through everything?.. :'( Is there any hope left for me to do well in my Law School? Will I be able to achieve what I need to get for a better future? Am I able to handle everything though it might seems impossible to get through it? :'( I really don't know..

I'm trying my best to gain myself again. To train myself to be stronger and better in handling trouble situation.. I should do my best since before.. Geez.. Why?? Just why do I make such a late movement... I hate myself.. I feel like I'm a bit late now.. Still crawling and there are so many things that I need to chase. :'( How can I fix everything?? 

I am praying very hard, hoping so bad and should have put a huge effort if I wanna make everything happen with great success.. I need to push myself harder.. I will try my best to prepare myself for the worst while I'm still in holiday mood.. 

Well, not really a holiday anymore.. Its the end of January and soon gonna enter February, means I need to start my part time job and I will be busy.. I just hope that I'll be more productive than before.. Fighting!!

Just stop complaining May... Thank God for everything, the good and bad things.. I shall be grateful for everything.. At least, I'm still breathing, safe and sound.. And still got chances to fix my weakness and get everything fall back into place.. I got mission to complete, I still have a long journey and a great battle to fight.. Wipe my tears, get back into that fighter mood, and I still gonna fight for my future.. I will.. I will fix everything.. Just give me chances, don't give me too much pressure.. Let me learn to handle my own battle.. :')

Geez.. and for the result.. Please be nice to me.. No matter what the result that may come out, I hope to stay strong and never give up.. Jesus, help me.. :')

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

A Growing Up Woman

It has been 28 days since 2015 come and bring a new year to me. This is a year that I'm gonna be a 22 years old lady. How time flies so fast. I started writing blog since I'm 18 years old. Been telling stories ever since that. The happiness, sadness, struggle and everything that had push me down to hell or lifted me up to heaven. Time has brought me into different circumstances. Despite all that, I am grateful I am still breathing in this world today and still fighting the battle of the life. I am still be the girl who will survive all the challenges in life.

2015, what will I face this year? It is a total different year for me. A year I wanna be matured than before, a year I'm gonna achieve great things for me to smile at when I'm old, a year that I will make my family proud of me by doing excellent in my studies and life, a year that I will also work hard find money as much as I can as a young adult that will make use of her younger life. A year that I will build stronger bond with my friends and society, and also met more new people to be my friends. Last but not least, a year that I have someone special with me. :')

For the past 21 years, I've met more than enough guys in my life. There's a quote saying

"From 16 to 22, you will meet a lot of temporary people."

Yes, I did met so many temporary people.. But I never regret it. It has been a good lesson for me. To know so many types of people in this world. I have to agree that, some people are not meant to stay in our life, some stay, some go.. After all, it's life. :')

But then, when I think back of all the time that I have wasted for the wrong people, I feel so stupid. I can't gain back all the time that I have lost. So, I have to make use of the time that I have now and in the future. Life is so unpredicted sometimes. As I was moving on from all of my stupid mistakes and focus on build my better future, God give me someone. Someone that told me that I am blessing in his life.. It was like, God give me this gift to fill my day with more love and to get more closer to Him. 

I've been praying all my life that I wanted God to sent me someone that is the same religion with me. Its all that I ever ask from the beginning. The reason is because I want to choose someone because of his religion, and that will tied me more to God and also him. It has never been easy.. And then I found someone..or he found me. I don't know which way it was. Suddenly everything change. I am still the same May, but inside me has changed. I told myself, it's time for me to change my bad attitude of flirting with temporary people and focus on someone that will teach me many things.. I'm still learning.. Learning on how to love, how to be loyal and how to keep everything going on well with me trying to fit him into my life.. There's gonna be a lot of challenges, and I am taking all the risk to be in this position.. But God, I will try my best.. Just keep this one for me.. I want him because I feel that I can get myself closer to You by him.. :') You're still gonna be my first priority.

Ok, cut the story bout my special someone.. Now, lets focus on the future May.. 

Geez, my third semester result will be out soon.. I dun wanna talk much bout it, I am praying and hoping that it will be much better than the previous. I need it so bad. :'( God... help me. 

I know how hard it is studying for Law School.. Pressure from family, lecturers, peers.. It ain't easy.. Sometimes the pressure makes me even stronger, but sometimes I'm feeling weak.. Its just normal. Ups and downs of life.. No matter what happen, I just gotta keep going. Keep the motion.. Aim for best future ahead, and I will achieve hook or by crook. Sometimes, just sometimes.. We need to be cruel.. That's how we deal with this cruel world of people chasing their dreams.

Fight your own battle, no one will help you till the end except yourself. God gives you strength from time to time, so make use of it wisely. :')

God.. help me to grow up to be a better woman day by day.. I want my inner self to be pure and beautiful.. That's what matter the most.. The inner part of myself. To get rid of my darker side. Eventually, the inside of me will outgrow to show the better personality of my external..

God willing.. Open the eyes of my heart, dear Lord..for a better way of living thru Your love.. Amen.. :')