Heavy Rain, Heavy Heart.. (,")

Its raining outside now..pretty hard. my heart pushes me to update samting here in my blog.. Lots of things happened recently.. I have hit it off wif my frens.. Its not good to prolong the fight.. Its better to drop avything down n just be good like usual.. Yeah, dats us. We fight a lot, yet we love each other a LOT, n I mean VERY MUCH.. hehehe. anyway, its good to have things back to normal.. we just leave the past n keep on supporting each other. Its common in life, about arguments and bury the hatchet (make peace) ^^

A pretty tired week this week.. guh ! I sleep a lot n went out a lot too.. Lots of works n I nid to run my errands.. I rili nid a good rest this weekend. Look forward to have it.. Hopefully des no obstacle for me to have my good-long-rest.. ~amen.

Its been almost a week I went to sch. I rarely see that person. I prayed each morning to God, asking Him to get rid of dis feeling inside my heart. I dun want that 'gift' anymore. God, please take that love from me. I am very thankful for the gift, but I must say that I am hurt b'coz of dat that gift. A gift that only I just feel it n not for the other party. Its a disaster for me. so, I'm willingly asking you to take back dis love. Its not the right time yet for me. Please keep it for someone who worth it. I remember a quote, saying :

Anda tak perlu susah-susah mencari pemilik tulang rusuk ini, 

kerana biarkan pemilik tulang rusuk

tersebut yang mencari tulang rusuknya..

Absolutely.. we dun have to waste our time looking for someone who meant to be our partner in life. Let Him do His job. He has made that desicion for us. so, for the time being, just focus on your job. Got it ! no worries, no doubt. n dun feel sorry for yourself if you didn't get what chu want.. Just take it as a reality in life that we shud face whether we like it or not.

----> I remember dat night, when I text that person.. Replied : haven't sleep yet.. heavy rain, heavy heart, rite?.. I remember almost avything about that person, but did the person do the same too? The answer is NO. I knew the answer oready, so y do I have to hurt myself? I lied to myself. I'm very cruel to myself. I insist to do something that hurt myself, that killing me inside.. I was empty-headed.. Senseless. Yet, I can't avoid it.

To be honest, I'm trying very hard to take my mind off of avything about the past. After all, past is past. I should'nt waste my time thinking about the past n just prepared for the present day n the future.. That will be more good. Avything gona be fine. Just keep cool. Its not the end of the world yet. Thou I missed the chance, perhaps God has prepared something even good than the one that got away. ~winks.

I say this for a millions time oready, its time to MOVE ON. step forward without looking back. Its okay to be mean for dis kind of situation dat only I know it. so,  dun regret avything that have happened. Its good to learn something new. You might hurt, but you must remember, despite the dark clouds, there is a hidden colorful rainbow. so, being a loser means that you are growing up being more matured. Its a process of learning. 

Thank you for the experience. At least, I learnt that I deserve someone who worth my heart and my love. I will not gona let myself trapped in your charm, nor be under your spell forever.. Its a fantasy world only. I nid to wake up n get back to reality, which sometimes is pretty hard for me to accept. no matter what, I still nid to take it n keep it in my pocket.

I learnt a lot over half of the year. Its an experience that I can't get it or buy it anywhere. I am very grateful for avything. Thank Heaven.

I should leave my by now. Nid to get on my bed.

I love you dearly, Father in Heaven & Jesus Christ. Amen..

Celebrating the events .. ^,^

Big grin on my face.. hehehe. Yesterday, my family n I celebrated Father's Day n my sys's bufday, Nelly..

early in the morning before dat, I went to sch for kokum.. so tired.. then, I went out wif my frens n head back home at 2pm.. but then, I went back to town, went for shopping wif my sys.. woah~ pretty tired for a day.. at night, we have dinner as a family.. I was too sleepy while I was eating.. unfortunately, I sleep very late last night.. I went to bed at 1 a.m. :'(  hard to sleep..

we took a few pictures last night.. :')

 a picture of me n my sys.. there are chicken (nyum2x) n a cake there.. my fevret cake, chocolate cheese cake from Secret Recipe..it cost RM92 (plus G-tax ofcoz).. omg! so expensive ! but, super delicious !!

dis is my sys, Nelly .. smile~

n dis is me..hehehe..

while dis is the cake..dat cost almost a hundred.. looks weird, rite? but, TRUST ME.. dun judge a cake by its appearance cuz dis cake is super duper yummy n marvelous .. heavenly !

rite now, m pretty hungry. so I wanna grab some food downstairs.. I'l update my story next time..

from time to time, I'l stay strong.. for dis feeling inside.. I'l keep it.. not gonna destroy it. ~winks.

Put The Blame On Me.. TQ.

I got a message today.. saying :

       "sebenarnya aku pun dua hati mau sms ko ni, but I have too.. aku xtau d mana silapnya hubungan kita ni. aku xtau apa salahku dgn kau, lau ko marah pun ble explain. klu ada masalah bgtau. senang beb. tp lau kau mau rosakkan persahabatan kita, mmg aku sedih.. tp klu ko rasa ko bahagia dgn caramu.. aku cuba trima, tp apa salah kami?? bru aku ingt ko pernah ckp dulu dgn aku psl kwn kt.. 'Aku xkisah klu aku perlu kehilangan sahabat mcm dia" . skrg sy sedar xmustahil kamu ble ckp mcm tu gak dgn aku. kami tau la ko byk kwn.. tp sgup ya ko buat sahabatmu bgini, tahniah laa beb. Terima kasih. smoga bahagia dgn hidupmu skrg" ..

Trust me, I read dis while I was crossing the road.. Lucky me, nothing hit me physically.. but deep inside, my heart is injured.. How could they said like dat.. They put avything (ol de blame) on me.. :'(
so I replied ..

       "sebelum kmu tuduh aku mcm2, cak ko pikir la balik apa yg jadi smpai keadaan jd mcm ni. aku penat mau jd boneka kmu, yg kmu cri bila kmu rasa mau bcakap dgn aku, n buat derk bla kamu bosan dgn aku.. aku xkesah kmu ckp aku bg2, sbb aku sedar diri bh, aku tau aku xlayak mau bkwn dgn org mcm kamu. aku xlayak mau bdampingan dgn kamu..klu pun aku ramai kwn, xpyhlah aku kena tanggung suma benda sndirian.. lbh baik kamu pikir balik apa makna kwn bg kamu.. aku penat mau pendam2..ada kwn tp mcm xda kwn.. aku cuba hilangkan diri dari kamu sbb aku tgk e2 sak caranya buat kamu bahagia. pernah kmu tpikir, knp skrg bru mau cri aku? tp cari aku sbb tuduh aku tglkan kamu. apa yg jadi tem cuti tu ko ingt? bila aku cuba hubungi kamu, tp apa aku dpt? bahagia bah aku, bahagia sgt bila aku skadar kwn time kamu perlukan.. aku korbankan sumanya utk kluar dari hidup kamu, tp masi jgk aku dilayan buruk.. aku mls mau benci kwn sendiri, mls mau abaikan kwn sendiri. jd aku cuma ikut rentak kamu.. kamu kan ada hidup msing2.. apalah makna kwn bg kamu. xperlu bh kan kamu tny kabar kwn kamu stiap hari.. bkn kamu tau jgk bila masa dia kecik hati atau apa.. seronok bah jd begitu. klu aku bdiam diri tu satu dosa bg kamu, terpulang dgn kamu.. aku pun xtau mau ckp apa sudah. Thanks krn hadir dgn satu tuduhan yg x berasas. xperlu sms aku klu dua hati.. dari dulu sampai skrg, aku xperlu sbrg paksaan dlm persahabatan. aku pun xmau ganggu org yg xmau diganggu." ...

so, dat was the very long text dat I send back in return. I can feel the atmosphere wasn't good.
I dunno what to say now, I was just trying to find my own serenity.. they didn't want me at de time I need them. so I walked away wif my broken heart.. :'( but they said dat I'm the one who leaving them.. It was so..I'm speechless for their words.. (.")

just now at sch, my teacher said, LOVE isn't eternal, whats eternal is RESPONSIBILITY. I realize dat I have lots of my uncompleted works. so, I nid to be responsible for it. maybe I should leave the past. Move on. I'm used to it, LOSING MY BEST FRIENDS..
maybe I wasn't good enaf to be their best friends.. Its a fact.

there may be the best out there. I just have to wait for the right time.. then, I'll put my efforts to get it. I shouldn't feel depressed for this matter.. It will only interfere my concentration on education. I nid to improve my perfomance at sch.. Dear Lord, I am very sad now.. Please help me not be overwhelmed by this feeling.. Its killing me inside.. :'(

I have said lots of things here in my blog, cuz I dun wana keep everything inside.. Dis is how I express my feeling, problems and happines..

okay now, I wana put dat prob aside first, cuz I wana tell about what had happened today. ~winks.

In short, today my sch run sports activities.. It was fun and funny and...and awesome thou I was trembling for fear.. hahaha. so, what I fear the most was~ I have to do all four activities which are 80 meter racing, high jump, long jump n throwing a ball (bola lisut).. today, I have finished wif ol three xtvt except for long jump.. N guess what??!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. O my God, for the first time in my life, I jump, I run (used to it, but not in public, especially concern wif RACE!!) n I throw !.. :'D

It was totally crazy laa.. ok, first of ol, I have to jump.. what a freak !! I was shivering!! Ckg.Aisyah warned me if I didn't jump, I'll DIE..hahaha. so, I did run n JUMP !!! whee~ hahahaha.. yet still fail.. hahahahaha. the iron bar falling.. :D  but, at least I jumped n I manage to lie on the mattress.. hahahahaha

then, we go to the 2nd xtvt, throwing ball. I'm not dat strong enaf, I just throw it away.. hahaha. N guess what, that guy (^,^) was over there (few metres right in front of me) when I throw away dat ball.. hahaha. I missed the chance to throw at him.. a short shot ! ;p didn't hit him.. hahahaha

and here it goes..! the most terrifying xtvt, racing..!! oh my ! Jesus ! for God sake, I have to run again dis year?!! watta hell !!. geez ! I run, wif ol my heart.. AHAHAHAHAHA. pretty fast but yes, FUNNY. my teacher Ckg.Hayati laugh out loud watching me~ running. oh, dear Lord.. It was so crazy.. hahahaha.
but I have fun.. I run~ lalalalalala~ so funny. fheww~ ol my probs were gone during dat moment. The only thing that filled my head was 'finish it! get on the line! towards the end! must run to the finish line!'

dats life.. we nid to overcome many obstacles in order to reach the end of our journey..
so, I must not give up easily and I nid to be strong.. God will owez be wif me..
He loves me.

# oh boy, I heard samting about you today.. now I have to forget you.. :'(
   you are no longer available for me.. hell !

My Heart Breaks..but not Breakeven.

Yeah.. 1st day of sch was not fun at all.. It was WORST, HORRIBLE n HEARTBREAKING.. m very PISSED OFF !!!!!!!!!!. but entirely b'coz of my own mistakes jgk.. :'(  ..first thing in de morning, we have assembly.. bad morning ! I was laughing (juz a little) but then my teacher (classic literature) scolded me by simply saying "whats so funny,hah??!!" ..o my feelin !! das hurts laa !.. how shame I was at de moment.. juz be patient laa, what else can I do..wasn't my mistake baa at dat time. One of dis teacher approached me n asking me, y did my class only have one boy standing in front (assembly), where r the rest?. so I burst into laugh laa.. but mr.M (my teacher) was pissed. ;p

so, we have a long day during assembly.. hahahaha.. so great laa ! sakit kaki saya !.. I was daydreaming during assembly, so I didn't bother to hear ol the input during assembly.. ~winks. back to my class, me have MUET period.. dun remind me, next month (July), I will sit on my Muet exam... grrrr~ so scared laa ! Nid to work harder dis month. I dun care bout sport day anymore.. troublemaker btl !

... I wana tell bout what happened during the last two periods.. I was so sleepy at dat time, n my teacher keep on babbling in front, I juz ignored it.. ;p ...can't stand laa. I rili nid to sleep dat time. :'( ..when he gave me my paper, he laughed at me cuz I only got 82% .. sobbs~ sobbs~ ..I know, it was bad.. n he told me "tanda-tanda awal sudah" .. HA-HA ..so funny yaa.. juz like a symptom yaa. ;p

anyway, I'll try my best next exam.. ^^,  I promise myself, I dun wan my teacher to look down at me.. n I down wan to look down on myself also.. Its about time for me to realize that I nid to do something. I still have time. Dun trust anyone who said dat I'm running out of time, cuz I haven't. Btw, the last thing dat I wana do wif numbers is to catch up. ;p

I used to be a very positive girl, I did ol de time. But my head is full of things..kinda imaginative. U know, I love to imagine lots of things..the important n not important things.. It waste my time, but I can't help myself.. :(

I didn't force my brain to think of it, but I always did it, not in purposely.. I dunno how to avoid it.. I'll think of samting..to help out my brain from doing such thing..hehe

Its kinda late at night now, but I still can't sleep.. I'll die by tomorrow.. I'l be sleepy at sch. My goodness. Y do I have to get Insomnia.. Its killing me.. :'(

Last but not least, no matter what will happen dis coming morning, I dun wan to be sad. dun wan to be frown. no,no,no !! juz put a smile on my face, n get over it.. ~winks ^^,

p/s : I saw him, dunno if he saw me.. My heart race, its hurting me.. but I'll stand my ground.. :)

Who I Am in Your Heart and Eyes??

I wana tell u something, friend ...

" Things were not de same anymore. Its diff now. Between u n I. What happened? Our friendship isn't de same like we used to be. :'(  Its getting hard for me. I dunno how u feel, but I feel worst. Its killing me, pushing me down wif dis friendship. I wana go out. Let me free. I dun want to stuck in dis situation anymore, if you feel dat u have found ur happiness without me at ur side, then I'l accept it. I'l go, I'l walk away. I'm not a toy here. I'm not a dead-living-girl. I'm your friend, or was your friend. I hate the fact dat you will walk away from me without telling me goodbye. Dun u care bout my feelin?? (feels like I wana cry out loud now). You leave me, friend ! I hate that. That I depends too much on you. He's right, he once said that pp changed, n so does you. You hurt me now. You made me feels like I'm a 'rubbish'. Your acts show that you didn't need me anymore. I get you. You have your own life, n so does me. So, I'l leave you behind now. Dun blame me, if someday when you try to find me again, I'm not there. Cuz I'm sick of waiting for pp that didn't appreciate me. Who thinks that I'm a super cool that you can have me or waste me as you like. You are so wrong. I wana be a friend not a toy. Yes, I'm pretty mad now. Mad, b'coz my friend didn't assume me as their friend. I was just a spare part. Rite? Thats hurt.. totally hurt. I'l take my time to forget all of you. Cuz I know how strong I am. I can survive without you. May you find your own happiness. Goodbye, ex-friend.

                                                                                                                           May-May.

I wish I can tell you dat.. If only you know what I feel inside my heart. I hate it. I wana delete it. I dun wana hate my own friend. Do you know, dat next to God n my family, friends are the most important pp in my heart? I'm willingly to sacrifice avything just for my friends.. But, not avyone can do dat. :'(

I lost a friend.. 

I'l find a new one in the future. For the time being, God will be my best friend. He will not gona let me go.

When I find a new friend, I'l say "dun let me go" . Never do like they did.

Lets change the mood. I'l let you go. I oready take my time. I can accept the fact now. I'm setting out for something new. so, goodbye my past .. =.=

Looking forward for sch to be open again.

Last but not least, I love you Jesus.. ^,^

Talking about FAITH ..

Ermmm... (thinking mod) so, I was reading a book juz now.. "Reasoning from the Scriptures" . I turned to page which discuss about Faith. I admit it, dat I was absolutely lack of faith juz before I read the book. Meaning dat now I'm not.. hehe. I was thinking, how can I acquire faith?? Then the book give me the answer ---> Faith follows the thing heard.. so, I nid to find (first thing to do) what is my main priority, thus I can strengthen my conviction then I can convinced of the reliability.. Pretty hard to understand,huh? Ok, like this, with the heart one exercises faith. In order for me to gain my faith, I nid to discover what I want to have faith in. For instance, if I wanna strengthen my faith towards God, I nid to get to know Jehovah and His way of doing things first. N this will take time b'coz before we build faith into something, it will took a long time to prove that we can have faith in it.

So, what do I know about Faith?? For me, (thinking as a matured girl), Faith comes from my heart, which means something or someone dat I put my trust on it or him/her as I believe in it (him/her) . The question is, do I have faith in myself? before we can have any faith into something, we rili nid to hav faith in ourself first. M now tryin to gain my faith again. I've lost it before n now I'm seeking for it again. I'm sorry I did dat. :'(  I was lack in faith towards myself. How idiot I was. But dats not imprtant anymore, cuz I'd realize my mistakes now, n I want to fix everything.

Forgive me, God . :'(

I wan to be 'born' again. Be a new person. With a new hope. God will guide my way dis time, I will let Him, even if it means dat I nid to leave behind ol de things dat I wan to chase before but aren't the things dat He planned for me. "Aku redha, Aku pasrah" . I will do as You said, God. Your commands are my priority now. I shouldn't waste my time for something useless. I have waste 18 years n now I nid to pay back another 18 years of my life just for you. I will focus on You, my Lord, as well as I will focus on my study. ^^

I feel better now. Less stress n more peaceful. Thank you Jesus. I love being wif You. Living in your grace n mercy. I'd promise myself to be a better person. M not goin to promise anything to You, cuz I will look like I'd tried to do crime (rasuah) .. ---> bad thing!

First thing to do now is to finish ol my sch works within 3 days juz before the sch-break is over..hehehe. Focus May !! u can do it.. cuz I owez did... ^^

I know u can control ur feeling much more better now, isn't it? cuz God with me. For He owez did.

Leave the past behind you. Dun look back if its only gona hurts you. They used to be ur frens, but now they didn't. so, I nid to move on, forget ol the things that I planned to be my future n be prepared for what He has planned the future for me. N for my unconditional feelin inside dis little heart in myself, I'll keep it..forever. As I said, I'll love u, even if it hurts.. Love u more, even if it hurts me more. N still gona love u, thou it hurts even more. will owez love you till it hurts no more.. so does the love toward you, my Lord will stay in my heart..N next to you is Him.. :')

I love him only b'coz I love You,God.. I wana be with You forever..

Born as a Christian n Die as a Christian.. Its all I wanted ever since You come into my life..

Dear God (Father in Heaven), 

         Listen to my prayer, from the bottom of my heart n from my living soul .. Forgive all my sins, my wrong deeds n my mistakes.. I'm asking for Your forgiveness, dear Lord.. :'( I've repented.. I shouldn't repeat my old mistakes.. But, human being owez did de same mistake n I am one of them. For I am no perfect, I sapos to make mistakes.. But I should be the good daughter of my Lord.. the good person who believe in God.. Thank you for all the blessing that You hav gave me.. I am very thankful for it. Oh God, I long for You. I'm looking for You. Its been a long time since I walked in the darkness, without Your guide n Your love. I need You, dear God.. I owez did. I was lost for a moment, but now I found You back, n I wana be with You. I'll stick with You.. Guide me, Jesus.. Please keep dis feeling inside me forever.. M sincerely love him, if He were meant to be with me, keep his heart for me.. M saying all this things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen..

                                                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                                                            May-May

I've done with my story n my prayer.. All the best for the future. M ready for tomorrow n afterwards..

p/s : I'll owez miss you.. (its kinda stupid cuz I owez think of you ^^)

Hey.. Its Me.. Still May .

Its been a long time, rite?? What shud I say here.. I'm out of words cuz I'm out of mind oready.. My feelin rite now : COMPLICATED. okay, here's de thing, I got bad result for my recent exam.. so, what shud I do?? I feels like I wana jump from a cliff.. oh my God ! I'd promise myself before that I'll put my best effort for my exam.. but, what happened?? I was just playing around all the time.. Bloody hell !! I'm playing a love game ! A stupid game dat had made me go down hill during exam.. So~ good la May.. Dun u know dat u look like an idiot rite now.. ?? :[

M goin to talk about my exam.. so, everything when smooth during Mac, until April knock de door to get in n tell Mac to get out.. APRIL..oh my April. ! what happened during April?? I dun even remember n can't recall it.. I was busy wif sport (not dat I really into dis thing actually).. the result --->> I was damn so tired n most of time was used to SLEEP.. oh he** !! .. Insomniac huh?? Yes, I AM !! but, when it comes to sleepy matter, I can't help myself.. I will sleep like I never did before, n I can sleep for many hours.. Trust me. I dun mind if I didn't got up..

The thing is, b'coz pf my uncontrolable sleep hour, I didn't have ANY time to study for my exam.. N again, last-minute-study is what they called it !. I was thinking at dat moment, they were so WRONG for giving me the title "PELAJAR HARAPAN" during MAPEC.. My goodness, TIADA kesedarankah May?? what happen to you?? You r so-not-like-this kind of person.. There must be something.. some kind of distraction to me..

Yes,there is something happening. I was busy flirting wif someone.. Again, I can't control dis stupid feelin inside of me.. Heart view can be suck samtimes, isn't it?? Oh Heaven, y shud I feel a love at dis moment.. I am a jerk ! Admit it, I like-him-damn-so-much, but face de fact dat I can't-have-him-thou I rili wanted him! HA-HA . so, is it worth to get a bad result for my exam just b'coz of my stupid feelin towards a guy?? The answer is : NO May. That shudn't happened.

M very confused rite now.. I shudn't be like dis.. I rili nid some changes. I dunno what is the thing dat stopping me or blocking me here. I dun think dat there's anything stopping me. My prob is just ME. I'm de main prob here. I still didn't realize de reality now..

Free advice : If  u rili wanted him, get ur weapon (n what is that could be??) n shoot him, then u get him. so, your weapon here May is ur education. In order to get someone into ur arms is thru ur brain, ur excellent result n U b'kam a successfull person, my dear ! Cuz, u can't depends on ur face (I'm not pretty at all nor I hav any beautiness on myself) .. I can only depends on my cleverness (a Gift from GOD)..

so May, what shud u do now? U still have 6 days before you go back to sch (means, the sch-break is over).. U need to change. Finish whatever ur's undone things. Two days to settle avything n I challenge u, MYSELF !! U can make it n u absolutely can do it May.. :)

p/s : realization time. Hey guy, I love you but I need to improve myself first before I can flirt wif u again..hahahaha. *kidding.