I got a message today.. saying :
"sebenarnya aku pun dua hati mau sms ko ni, but I have too.. aku xtau d mana silapnya hubungan kita ni. aku xtau apa salahku dgn kau, lau ko marah pun ble explain. klu ada masalah bgtau. senang beb. tp lau kau mau rosakkan persahabatan kita, mmg aku sedih.. tp klu ko rasa ko bahagia dgn caramu.. aku cuba trima, tp apa salah kami?? bru aku ingt ko pernah ckp dulu dgn aku psl kwn kt.. 'Aku xkisah klu aku perlu kehilangan sahabat mcm dia" . skrg sy sedar xmustahil kamu ble ckp mcm tu gak dgn aku. kami tau la ko byk kwn.. tp sgup ya ko buat sahabatmu bgini, tahniah laa beb. Terima kasih. smoga bahagia dgn hidupmu skrg" ..
Trust me, I read dis while I was crossing the road.. Lucky me, nothing hit me physically.. but deep inside, my heart is injured.. How could they said like dat.. They put avything (ol de blame) on me.. :'(
so I replied ..
"sebelum kmu tuduh aku mcm2, cak ko pikir la balik apa yg jadi smpai keadaan jd mcm ni. aku penat mau jd boneka kmu, yg kmu cri bila kmu rasa mau bcakap dgn aku, n buat derk bla kamu bosan dgn aku.. aku xkesah kmu ckp aku bg2, sbb aku sedar diri bh, aku tau aku xlayak mau bkwn dgn org mcm kamu. aku xlayak mau bdampingan dgn kamu..klu pun aku ramai kwn, xpyhlah aku kena tanggung suma benda sndirian.. lbh baik kamu pikir balik apa makna kwn bg kamu.. aku penat mau pendam2..ada kwn tp mcm xda kwn.. aku cuba hilangkan diri dari kamu sbb aku tgk e2 sak caranya buat kamu bahagia. pernah kmu tpikir, knp skrg bru mau cri aku? tp cari aku sbb tuduh aku tglkan kamu. apa yg jadi tem cuti tu ko ingt? bila aku cuba hubungi kamu, tp apa aku dpt? bahagia bah aku, bahagia sgt bila aku skadar kwn time kamu perlukan.. aku korbankan sumanya utk kluar dari hidup kamu, tp masi jgk aku dilayan buruk.. aku mls mau benci kwn sendiri, mls mau abaikan kwn sendiri. jd aku cuma ikut rentak kamu.. kamu kan ada hidup msing2.. apalah makna kwn bg kamu. xperlu bh kan kamu tny kabar kwn kamu stiap hari.. bkn kamu tau jgk bila masa dia kecik hati atau apa.. seronok bah jd begitu. klu aku bdiam diri tu satu dosa bg kamu, terpulang dgn kamu.. aku pun xtau mau ckp apa sudah. Thanks krn hadir dgn satu tuduhan yg x berasas. xperlu sms aku klu dua hati.. dari dulu sampai skrg, aku xperlu sbrg paksaan dlm persahabatan. aku pun xmau ganggu org yg xmau diganggu." ...
so, dat was the very long text dat I send back in return. I can feel the atmosphere wasn't good.
I dunno what to say now, I was just trying to find my own serenity.. they didn't want me at de time I need them. so I walked away wif my broken heart.. :'( but they said dat I'm the one who leaving them.. It was so..I'm speechless for their words.. (.")
just now at sch, my teacher said, LOVE isn't eternal, whats eternal is RESPONSIBILITY. I realize dat I have lots of my uncompleted works. so, I nid to be responsible for it. maybe I should leave the past. Move on. I'm used to it, LOSING MY BEST FRIENDS..
maybe I wasn't good enaf to be their best friends.. Its a fact.
there may be the best out there. I just have to wait for the right time.. then, I'll put my efforts to get it. I shouldn't feel depressed for this matter.. It will only interfere my concentration on education. I nid to improve my perfomance at sch.. Dear Lord, I am very sad now.. Please help me not be overwhelmed by this feeling.. Its killing me inside.. :'(
I have said lots of things here in my blog, cuz I dun wana keep everything inside.. Dis is how I express my feeling, problems and happines..
okay now, I wana put dat prob aside first, cuz I wana tell about what had happened today. ~winks.
In short, today my sch run sports activities.. It was fun and funny and...and awesome thou I was trembling for fear.. hahaha. so, what I fear the most was~ I have to do all four activities which are 80 meter racing, high jump, long jump n throwing a ball (bola lisut).. today, I have finished wif ol three xtvt except for long jump.. N guess what??!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. O my God, for the first time in my life, I jump, I run (used to it, but not in public, especially concern wif RACE!!) n I throw !.. :'D
It was totally crazy laa.. ok, first of ol, I have to jump.. what a freak !! I was shivering!! Ckg.Aisyah warned me if I didn't jump, I'll DIE..hahaha. so, I did run n JUMP !!! whee~ hahahaha.. yet still fail.. hahahahaha. the iron bar falling.. :D but, at least I jumped n I manage to lie on the mattress.. hahahahaha
then, we go to the 2nd xtvt, throwing ball. I'm not dat strong enaf, I just throw it away.. hahaha. N guess what, that guy (^,^) was over there (few metres right in front of me) when I throw away dat ball.. hahaha. I missed the chance to throw at him.. a short shot ! ;p didn't hit him.. hahahaha
and here it goes..! the most terrifying xtvt, racing..!! oh my ! Jesus ! for God sake, I have to run again dis year?!! watta hell !!. geez ! I run, wif ol my heart.. AHAHAHAHAHA. pretty fast but yes, FUNNY. my teacher Ckg.Hayati laugh out loud watching me~ running. oh, dear Lord.. It was so crazy.. hahahaha.
but I have fun.. I run~ lalalalalala~ so funny. fheww~ ol my probs were gone during dat moment. The only thing that filled my head was 'finish it! get on the line! towards the end! must run to the finish line!'
dats life.. we nid to overcome many obstacles in order to reach the end of our journey..
so, I must not give up easily and I nid to be strong.. God will owez be wif me..
He loves me.
# oh boy, I heard samting about you today.. now I have to forget you.. :'(
you are no longer available for me.. hell !
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