Its been a week already since 2nd semester started. One word to describe my 2nd semester, BUSY.
Like seriously.. I dunno how on earth I will end up to have so many works to do during my 2nd semester.. Woah.. Seriously, my goal for 2nd semester is only to achieve much better pointer and upgrade my result to much much better. Really, I ain't telling a fairytale story here, I really need to get pointer 3 above this sem. If not, I WILL DIE.
I dun wanna die young so I will have to work really really hard this sem, and I dun give a damn to any excuses from myself anymore. I need to treat myself very very strict so that I can achieve something for this sem.
Not to forget, I also got a few responsibilities this sem for my college and faculty.
For faculty, I am involved in TIE-rrific Run which will be held in one month to come. Since I am under Publicity Bureau, I will have to promote everything regarding this event to everyone regardless anyone in this campus. Bear in mind that I will have to be brave to promote this thing and I shall not be shy-shy-cat or close-my-mouth because I need to be talkactive or simply said like-a-clown to promote this event. Never mind, I'll just assume that this is the training for me to networking with people around my campus. So, fighting for this event!
For college is bit hell, hahaha. I'm involved with all that 'seni' stuff. Pfftttt.... =.=
Since I am a member of JKP Kreatif, so I will be involved with the Festival Seni or FESENI thing. Need to lend a hand for Ambang FESENI, FESENI Opening, Ekspresi Seni Lukis, and also not to forget my participation in Manifestasi Puisi. And yeah, second biggest event that drive me like crazy is Malam Kebudayaan Borneo and I am the informal MC for that event.. So crazzzyyyyy... Omo omo...
So, all the things that I joined for this sem had made me need to attend plenty of meeting in the evening and night. So, I was quite worry that it will effect my studies. I really need to manage my timetable very well so hat I won't be left behind with my studies. I need to work on this sem.
I can do it! Motivate myself everyday.. Fighting! Fighting May!!!
Saturday 22 February 2014
Wednesday 12 February 2014
I tell My Stories, I tell My Sadness
Petang yg panas begini pun mata ku ni boleh mengalirkan air mata. Ndak tau lah ini air mata sedih, penyesalan atau sakit hati? Dari smlm xda tidur sbb pikir byk hal. Aku tau semua salahku.. Tapi skali semua org hentam aku, mmg lah aku ndak kuat. Di luar aku bolehlah blakon no feeling mcm ndak terasa,, hakikatnya dlm hati aku btl btl tluka..
Dari dulu sampai skrg, aku dpt result ndak bgs jak aku mesti dimarah berabis.. Sedih. Teramat sedih. Aku bukannya ndak sedih dpt result begini. Tuhan jak lah yg tahu mcm mana break downnya aku masa tgk result sem 1 ku. Semua senior ckp mmg Law School bukan senang. Mmg aku belajar setiap hari.. Sleepless night aku hampir setiap malam. Tanyalah roomates ku dua2, aku mmg jarang tidur dlm bilik kalau malam. Subuh pukul 4 atau 5 pagi bru masuk bilik balik. Aku try my best utk baca itu ini, tp aku ada masalah dgn penulisan argument ku. Aku buntuh mau tulis apa. English utk jawab paper Law bukan mcm tulis cerita fantasi Harry Potter sampai berjilid-2 tu. Aku ndakda basic bah. Aku tau itu bukan alasan. Tapi aku akui aku mmg lemah, sgt sgt lemah sampai aku setiap hari dlm dilema and ketakutan mau menghadap subjek subjek ku.. Aku berjalan sendirian utk study Law ni tanpa basic, aku perlukan masa utk paham sgala2nya.. Konsepnya aku paham tapi aku stuck bila mau sampaikan secara lisan atau penulisan. Aku byk refer kwn2 dgn buku2 tapi mmg bukan rezeki ku sem 1 ni mau buat mcm mana lagi..
Aku sendiri rasa sakit yg teramat bah. That result had make a hole inside of me. That hole cannot be heal.. Aku bukan gemar menangis. Masa dpt result hari tu pun aku jd speechless and termenung kosong jak. Ndakda air mata aku boleh kluarkan. Sampailah aku dpt pressure dri familyku.. Tapi macam biasa aku slalu menangis senyap2 bila malam melabuhkan tirai, tanpa suara, tanpa bunyi, aku menangis menyendiri.. Sakit sgt sgt.. Tapi siapa mahu ambil tahu?? Selama ni aku menangis sendiri setiap kali aku sedih. Mana pernah org mau hulurkan tgn setiap kali aku jatuh menangis. Mana pernah org mau dakap aku stiap kali aku menangis..Aku selalu sendiri.. dan sentiasa sendiri.. Sakit aku rasa tu bukan satu, tapi dua skaligus! Sakit sbb masalah dan sakit sbb sendirian..
Hakikatnya aku lemah di dpn diri sendiri.. Ada masanya aku tak boleh tipu diri ni..
Oh God.. Kenapa bagi aku jalan yg berduri lagi.. Kesianlah dgn aku. Aku ndak boleh silap sikit di dpn familyku, silap sikit jak mmg aku kenak berabis.. Aku tau, supaya aku jd org bguna jd mmg dgn aku dorg bkeras.. Mgkn sbb aku sentiasa act kuat di dpn dorg aku sama skali ndak dibagi ruang utk tsilap langkah sikit.. Aku lemah skrg.. Sgt lemah.. Tolong aku, dear God..
Kata org, hidup ni bagaikan roda, kdg kita di atas, kdg kita di bawah. Tapi aku ibaratkan hidup seperti menaiki bukit. Kita semakin memanjat ke atas tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Jadi kaki kita akan selalu bergerak ke hadapan tanpa perlu jatuh ke bawah. Namun, setiap perjalanan ke hadapan tak semestinya lancar. Ada masa kita tersadung batu dan terduduk jatuh. Ada masa kita tersesat kerana cabang jalan yg mengelirukan..
Yaa, aku tersalah masuk jalan masa sem 1 ni sampaikan aku dpt result yg teruk. Tapi, tiadakah kemaafan utk aku? Aku dari habis STPM masa bulan Didember 2012 lalu, sampai lah bulan September 2013, langsung ndakda buat persiapan atau study apa2. Aku dtg dgn otak kosong dan penuh keserabutan.. Bukan cuma study yg perlu aku khuatirkan, aku pun kena hidup.. Utk hidup tak hanya satu perkara jak yg kita kena fikirkan, banyak sbnrnya..
Tapi tetap semua tu tak boleh aku bagi sbg alasan kan? Bahkan aku ndak diberi apapun peluang utk bg alasan bg melindungi diri.. Keadaanku sama seperti pesalah membunuh yg sudah semestinya akan dijatuhkan hukuman mati walaupun keputusan hakim belum diumumkan..
Utk sampai tahap aku skrg, mcm2 aku korbankan.. Masa muda ku ndak sama mcm budak2 sebaya ku di luar sana. Yg aku tau cuma jaga hati dgn kemahuan familyku. Cubalah kamu tgk bdk2 perempuan sebayaku di luar sana, bandingkan dgn aku.. Aku ndakda keinginan suda mcm bdk2 di luar sana.. Bahkan ada yg lbh muda dari aku begitu asyik jaga penampilan, tapi aku hny muncul dgn T-shirt saiz M dan rambut kusut terurai di luar sana.. Ada yg bahagia bersama kekasih zaman muda, tapi aku, sudah tutup pintu hati sejak result SPM yg lalu.. Ada yg dimaafkan walau jahil mana skalipun. Ada ragam itu ini, tapi aku, seribu kebaikan langsung dilupakan bila buat satu kesilapan.
Dunia tak adil? Dari dulu lagi aku tau hakikat duniawi ni.. Mmg menyakitkan.
Saat plg menyakitkan bila kita jatuh sendirian. Aku tak suka nak bebankan masalah sendiri dgn org lain. Org lain pun ada masalah tsendiri, sbb tu lebih baik aku simpan semuanya dlm hati.. Mgkn org tgk aku keras hati dan kuat orgnya, hakikatnya hatiku ni sgt rapuh. Klu sentuh pd tmpt tak sepatutnya, org akan nampak diriku yg miserable. I cannot let that happen.. Cuma kekuatan yg aku ada utk buatkan aku bangun berdiri lg.. Tapi itu satu2nya jalannya..
I did promise myself yg aku akan berusaha terbaik mungkin utk sem 2. Kawan kata ada lagi 7 sem utk buktikan yg aku boleh buat. Walaupun aku xyakin, tapi aku mau cuba sedaya upaya. Apapun berlaku, aku terima sebarang kesusahan yg tersedia supaya aku boleh terus maju ke hadapan..
Aku ndak mau tgk diriku bsedih.. Aku sygkan diriku sendiri.. Bila tgk diriku terluka, aku yg akan rasa.. Jadi aku ndak rasa luka yg akulah penyebabnya..
Dari dulu sampai skrg, aku dpt result ndak bgs jak aku mesti dimarah berabis.. Sedih. Teramat sedih. Aku bukannya ndak sedih dpt result begini. Tuhan jak lah yg tahu mcm mana break downnya aku masa tgk result sem 1 ku. Semua senior ckp mmg Law School bukan senang. Mmg aku belajar setiap hari.. Sleepless night aku hampir setiap malam. Tanyalah roomates ku dua2, aku mmg jarang tidur dlm bilik kalau malam. Subuh pukul 4 atau 5 pagi bru masuk bilik balik. Aku try my best utk baca itu ini, tp aku ada masalah dgn penulisan argument ku. Aku buntuh mau tulis apa. English utk jawab paper Law bukan mcm tulis cerita fantasi Harry Potter sampai berjilid-2 tu. Aku ndakda basic bah. Aku tau itu bukan alasan. Tapi aku akui aku mmg lemah, sgt sgt lemah sampai aku setiap hari dlm dilema and ketakutan mau menghadap subjek subjek ku.. Aku berjalan sendirian utk study Law ni tanpa basic, aku perlukan masa utk paham sgala2nya.. Konsepnya aku paham tapi aku stuck bila mau sampaikan secara lisan atau penulisan. Aku byk refer kwn2 dgn buku2 tapi mmg bukan rezeki ku sem 1 ni mau buat mcm mana lagi..
Aku sendiri rasa sakit yg teramat bah. That result had make a hole inside of me. That hole cannot be heal.. Aku bukan gemar menangis. Masa dpt result hari tu pun aku jd speechless and termenung kosong jak. Ndakda air mata aku boleh kluarkan. Sampailah aku dpt pressure dri familyku.. Tapi macam biasa aku slalu menangis senyap2 bila malam melabuhkan tirai, tanpa suara, tanpa bunyi, aku menangis menyendiri.. Sakit sgt sgt.. Tapi siapa mahu ambil tahu?? Selama ni aku menangis sendiri setiap kali aku sedih. Mana pernah org mau hulurkan tgn setiap kali aku jatuh menangis. Mana pernah org mau dakap aku stiap kali aku menangis..Aku selalu sendiri.. dan sentiasa sendiri.. Sakit aku rasa tu bukan satu, tapi dua skaligus! Sakit sbb masalah dan sakit sbb sendirian..
Hakikatnya aku lemah di dpn diri sendiri.. Ada masanya aku tak boleh tipu diri ni..
Oh God.. Kenapa bagi aku jalan yg berduri lagi.. Kesianlah dgn aku. Aku ndak boleh silap sikit di dpn familyku, silap sikit jak mmg aku kenak berabis.. Aku tau, supaya aku jd org bguna jd mmg dgn aku dorg bkeras.. Mgkn sbb aku sentiasa act kuat di dpn dorg aku sama skali ndak dibagi ruang utk tsilap langkah sikit.. Aku lemah skrg.. Sgt lemah.. Tolong aku, dear God..
Kata org, hidup ni bagaikan roda, kdg kita di atas, kdg kita di bawah. Tapi aku ibaratkan hidup seperti menaiki bukit. Kita semakin memanjat ke atas tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Jadi kaki kita akan selalu bergerak ke hadapan tanpa perlu jatuh ke bawah. Namun, setiap perjalanan ke hadapan tak semestinya lancar. Ada masa kita tersadung batu dan terduduk jatuh. Ada masa kita tersesat kerana cabang jalan yg mengelirukan..
Yaa, aku tersalah masuk jalan masa sem 1 ni sampaikan aku dpt result yg teruk. Tapi, tiadakah kemaafan utk aku? Aku dari habis STPM masa bulan Didember 2012 lalu, sampai lah bulan September 2013, langsung ndakda buat persiapan atau study apa2. Aku dtg dgn otak kosong dan penuh keserabutan.. Bukan cuma study yg perlu aku khuatirkan, aku pun kena hidup.. Utk hidup tak hanya satu perkara jak yg kita kena fikirkan, banyak sbnrnya..
Tapi tetap semua tu tak boleh aku bagi sbg alasan kan? Bahkan aku ndak diberi apapun peluang utk bg alasan bg melindungi diri.. Keadaanku sama seperti pesalah membunuh yg sudah semestinya akan dijatuhkan hukuman mati walaupun keputusan hakim belum diumumkan..
Utk sampai tahap aku skrg, mcm2 aku korbankan.. Masa muda ku ndak sama mcm budak2 sebaya ku di luar sana. Yg aku tau cuma jaga hati dgn kemahuan familyku. Cubalah kamu tgk bdk2 perempuan sebayaku di luar sana, bandingkan dgn aku.. Aku ndakda keinginan suda mcm bdk2 di luar sana.. Bahkan ada yg lbh muda dari aku begitu asyik jaga penampilan, tapi aku hny muncul dgn T-shirt saiz M dan rambut kusut terurai di luar sana.. Ada yg bahagia bersama kekasih zaman muda, tapi aku, sudah tutup pintu hati sejak result SPM yg lalu.. Ada yg dimaafkan walau jahil mana skalipun. Ada ragam itu ini, tapi aku, seribu kebaikan langsung dilupakan bila buat satu kesilapan.
Dunia tak adil? Dari dulu lagi aku tau hakikat duniawi ni.. Mmg menyakitkan.
Saat plg menyakitkan bila kita jatuh sendirian. Aku tak suka nak bebankan masalah sendiri dgn org lain. Org lain pun ada masalah tsendiri, sbb tu lebih baik aku simpan semuanya dlm hati.. Mgkn org tgk aku keras hati dan kuat orgnya, hakikatnya hatiku ni sgt rapuh. Klu sentuh pd tmpt tak sepatutnya, org akan nampak diriku yg miserable. I cannot let that happen.. Cuma kekuatan yg aku ada utk buatkan aku bangun berdiri lg.. Tapi itu satu2nya jalannya..
I did promise myself yg aku akan berusaha terbaik mungkin utk sem 2. Kawan kata ada lagi 7 sem utk buktikan yg aku boleh buat. Walaupun aku xyakin, tapi aku mau cuba sedaya upaya. Apapun berlaku, aku terima sebarang kesusahan yg tersedia supaya aku boleh terus maju ke hadapan..
Aku ndak mau tgk diriku bsedih.. Aku sygkan diriku sendiri.. Bila tgk diriku terluka, aku yg akan rasa.. Jadi aku ndak rasa luka yg akulah penyebabnya..
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Macam tu lah aku akan buat. Walau takut mcm mana skalipun, aku tetap kena terus melangkah. Selama ni aku boleh bwk diriku sampai ke tmpt yg aku sendiri tak sangka boleh pijak, jdi ku kena terus kuat utk responbawak diri ni lebih hadapan.. Walau mcm mana skalipun respond yg aku dpt gra2 resultku, aku cuma akan bdiam dan simpan dlm hati. Biarlah hati di dlm ni yg menangis.. Aku xmau dera mataku utk buat kerja yg menyakitkan dgn menangis.. Klu hati yg menangis, itu lebih baik..
Sometimes my lips can't say anything and my eyes are too tired to give respond to obviously miserable things.. That's why my heart is willing bear the hidden stories and sadness behind my poker face..
Saturday 8 February 2014
Inside That Pain
For once, aku teringin mau menulis apa-2 jak yg bermain dlm fikiranku.Macam skrg. Aku mau latih mindaku utk terus menulis dan berfikir secara kronologi tanpa putus berfikir. Lately, banyak sgt bnd yg bermain2 dlm fikiran ni. Kdg bikin semak kepala jak, tapi itulah kegemaranku, berfikir dan terus berfikir.
Aku tny diriku sendiri, sbnrnya apa yg aku rasa skrg? Apa perasaanku? Apa masalahku? Apa yg menganggu fikiranku? Tapi, aku sendiri ndakda jawapannya. Pelik kan? Nmpk sgt aku sbnrnya stress.
Yaa..Mmg stress pun. Kalau aku stress aku akan layan Korean Drama dri malam sampai subuh. Mula tergila-2kan pelakon hero dlm Kdrama tu, banyak bcerita pasal Kdrama, semua pasal Kdrama. Sbb AKU STRESS. Kalau aku normal manalah aku ada masa mau lyn bnd2 tu semua.
Kan pd hakikatnya aku bukanlah peminat tegar Kpop. Aku lebih suka layan product2 dari Barat. Hahaha.. Tapi tu lah tanda-2 stress ku bila aku suda addicted tgk Kdrama. Ndak lama lg hilang la wabak ni.
Sbnrnya ada certain time aku malas mau pikir masalah jd aku cri lah bnd yg blh distract aku. It is Kdrama.
Tutup cerita Kdrama.
Aku rasa aku gilaaaa suda skrg. Arrgghh. Geram geram..
May, breath in. Breath out. Cool May.. Pikir dgn rasional. Jgn jd gila dulu.. Sabar sabar..
Tgk realiti May. Pandang cermin dan lihat realiti dunia. Jgn stuck dlm situasi yg kau sendiri tak suka.
Do you know how hard have you gone through to be in this stage? Don't ruin everything May. Keep walking forward..
No matter how hard it is. No matter how stress you are right now.
Tears like yesterday won't be the same in the future.. Nan molla. Just what the heaven am I talking about now.. Ugh! Talking crap again.
The fact that, kalau aku stress aku jadi gila.
Sometimes, I draw those happy dream and happy future for myself. And it turns out that those are just things that I can't get in this world. It hurts me so much when I can't get what I want. But who I am to deny the fact that I am not God. I can't decide what I can have and what I don't want in this world.
Yeah, world can be cruel sometimes. But, it is the way of this world. There is no option like 'take it or leave it'. We only have 'take it and suck it'.
Sad fact. I am speechless. I should not have draw those happy dreams and happy future for myself. Because in the end, I will only cry because of it. I hide something inside here, in my heart. And I'm trying to figure out what is it. But still, I don't know. I can't find it. What happened to me?
Aku tny diriku sendiri, sbnrnya apa yg aku rasa skrg? Apa perasaanku? Apa masalahku? Apa yg menganggu fikiranku? Tapi, aku sendiri ndakda jawapannya. Pelik kan? Nmpk sgt aku sbnrnya stress.
Yaa..Mmg stress pun. Kalau aku stress aku akan layan Korean Drama dri malam sampai subuh. Mula tergila-2kan pelakon hero dlm Kdrama tu, banyak bcerita pasal Kdrama, semua pasal Kdrama. Sbb AKU STRESS. Kalau aku normal manalah aku ada masa mau lyn bnd2 tu semua.
Kan pd hakikatnya aku bukanlah peminat tegar Kpop. Aku lebih suka layan product2 dari Barat. Hahaha.. Tapi tu lah tanda-2 stress ku bila aku suda addicted tgk Kdrama. Ndak lama lg hilang la wabak ni.
Sbnrnya ada certain time aku malas mau pikir masalah jd aku cri lah bnd yg blh distract aku. It is Kdrama.
Tutup cerita Kdrama.
Aku rasa aku gilaaaa suda skrg. Arrgghh. Geram geram..
May, breath in. Breath out. Cool May.. Pikir dgn rasional. Jgn jd gila dulu.. Sabar sabar..
Tgk realiti May. Pandang cermin dan lihat realiti dunia. Jgn stuck dlm situasi yg kau sendiri tak suka.
Do you know how hard have you gone through to be in this stage? Don't ruin everything May. Keep walking forward..
No matter how hard it is. No matter how stress you are right now.
Tears like yesterday won't be the same in the future.. Nan molla. Just what the heaven am I talking about now.. Ugh! Talking crap again.
The fact that, kalau aku stress aku jadi gila.
Sometimes, I draw those happy dream and happy future for myself. And it turns out that those are just things that I can't get in this world. It hurts me so much when I can't get what I want. But who I am to deny the fact that I am not God. I can't decide what I can have and what I don't want in this world.
Yeah, world can be cruel sometimes. But, it is the way of this world. There is no option like 'take it or leave it'. We only have 'take it and suck it'.
Sad fact. I am speechless. I should not have draw those happy dreams and happy future for myself. Because in the end, I will only cry because of it. I hide something inside here, in my heart. And I'm trying to figure out what is it. But still, I don't know. I can't find it. What happened to me?
Friday 7 February 2014
I Need Miracle
Annyeong bloggie.. Hehe. Musim tgk Kdrama jd Korea language tu melekat di kepala otak yg serabut ni. Dah lama ndak mencoret di blog ni. Padahal cuti dan byk sgt mau diluahkan, but like always, May would rather hold everything inside her heart. Too many things inside this heart, sangat sesak dan takda space suda utk anything else..
Biasanya klu update blog aku pki lappy, this time pki netbook sbb wifi xleh connect guna lappy..
While writing this post, I am currently listening to this sad song Hello, Goodbye by Hyorin. So I might be a little emotional while writing my sad journal in this post. Oh God..
I've been thinking A LOT this few days. Its okay May. Its OK.
While reflecting to my sad journey sepanjang di KL ni, aku hanya mampu *sigh. Along with the sad moments that I have to go through, there were a few good memories that I experienced. But, to be honest, here is a bit better than staying at Tawau.
Ndak ku nafikan, ramai sgt bertanya bila aku mau pulang Tawau.. Kalau lah mereka ni semua paham situasiku.. Bukan aku xmau, aku just tak boleh. The fact that I have a bad secret that I have to keep for these 21 years of my life, it's killing me that I can't do what people ask me to do.
Money is not the problem. Mmg ada sedikit cemburu dgn kwn-2 yg boleh pulang balik dri semenanjung ke Sabah.. Malangnya, aku ndak sebertuah mereka mereka. Aku rindu betul makanan di Tawau tu. Itu yg plg aku rindukan. Hahaha. Lps tu org tanya aku, tak rindu Mak Bapak ka?
Berat soalan tu. Tapi mcm biasa, aku just jawab, 'boleh je kol dorg'. Not to be rude, tp mmg itulah prinsip ku. Aku xmacam anak org lain. Aku macam ni lah. Rindu tu suatu perasaan yg blh menyiksa jika dibiarkan menguasai diri. Jadi, aku ambil langkah utk ndak jd org yg homesick mcm org lain. Aku latih diri utk jd no-feeling dlm sesetgh pkara utk kebaikanku. Jadi, nak kata aku rindu family kat Tawau? Jawapannya, biasa-2 jak. Sebab aku org yg suka hidup sendiri. Aku ada kat Tawau atau takda ka, tiada beza. I will still do my own things. Lagipun, impianku dari dulu untuk keluar dari Tawau. Aku experienced byk sgt bnd yg melukakan masa aku kat Tawau. Aku selalu ckp aku nak bina hidup baru klu aku dpt kluar dri Tawau. And here I am. Trying my best to live a new life. Tapi, bukanlah bermakna aku lupakan familyku. My family is my everything. My family is my destiny. They are my fortune. Semangat utk aku teruskan hidup. Cuma, aku dah diberikan peluang utk pergi jauh dan sejauh yg mungkin.
Aku ingt lagi bapaku cakap yg aku tak boleh tinggal di Tawau, aku tak boleh tinggal di rumah tu, aku kena pergi jauh dan klu boleh pergi tempat yg sgt jauh. Mak pun tak kisah. Pilihan selalu di tanganku sendiri. Aku yg tentukan ke mana aku akan melangkah. Berbekalkan restu parents tu, aku simpan impian yg mungkin pd pandangan org agak kejam sbb impian yg aku sulamkan dlm mimpi dan khayalanku bukanlah berada di samping org2 yg aku sayang, tapi jauh dri mereka. Asalkan aku dpt kabar psl dorg, yg mereka bahagia, mereka selamat, itu suda lebih dari cukup utk aku.
Doa utk keluarga tu takkan pernah bhenti kulafazkan dalam hati dan takkan pernah putus kututurkan dalam kata.
Talking about drawing my future, skrg aku bergelut dgn masa depan yg aku berusaha nak kejar. Aku ndakda bakat nak jadi seorg bintang atau seorang yg terkenal, kelebihan yg aku ada cuma berusaha utk berjaya dlm pelajaran. Tapi tak semudah itu. Jalan yg aku pilih jalan yg plg byk akan lukakan aku, sakitkan aku dan buat aku jatuh menangis.
Macam biasa, aku seorg yg kedekut air mata. Menangis tanpa suara dan tanpa teman, it's always be my habit. Gwaenchanha May. Its what you are used to do. Not whining and be burdensome to anyone, isn't it want you always do? Yaa. Aku taknak menyusahkan org utk tgu aku atau selalu berada di sampingku, I'm not worth for all that kind things, cukuplah aku bsendirian hadapi semua. Sakit mcm manapun, lemah mcm mana sekalipun kaki ni mau btahan utk bdiri, always, stick to that prinsip May.
Stay strong even in my weak position, act strong even in my miserable situation and pretend to be strong even in my lifeless state.
I'm a total hypocrite.
What else can I do selain dari berpura2?
21 tahun aku hidup dlm penipuan, aku suda terlalu tbiasa. I have deceived so many people, include the people that I loved. Its not an option, its a must. Mianhe everyone.
You did not know how it feels to be in my shoes. Even so, I know that there are still people out there yg lebih teruk their life bbanding aku. So, don't bother yourself to have pity on me. I still can walk on my own no matter how hard I cry.
How I feel right now after I got my bad exam result? I dunno. I dun have the answer. I avoid to think about that. Aku teringat seorg sahabat dulu pernah main satu permainan dgn aku bkenaan personaliti ku, and when I choose one of the option that she gave me, it turns out that my personality is the one who always run away from her problem.. Am I like that? Maybe sometimes...
Let me tell a story of an ordinary girl who is always clueless about her life. She started her primary school and went to secondary school. When everyone entered Matrix and Uni or College, she was stuck in a hopeless position. She can't draw her future anymore, where could the wrong could be when she don't even got a good result for SPM and she was left with only one choice to survive her life, which is Form 6. Back then, she remembered that she said she hated Form 6 so much that she don't want to go for it even thou it's the last choice that she had.
However, how could a girl that is so afraid of her brothers can go against the order? Ever since that day, she was so scared to her brothers words and she can't disobey it. Because of the bad result of SPM, she was accused of being so selfish and only think about being pretty and involved in love things. That was the moment she totally can't forget. Being accused for things that she don't even do, what do you expect? She was totally break at that moment. But nobody knows and yet she hide everything inside very good. Even until now.
That is why she don't want to ever try to fall in love with anyone, she don't want to care of how she looks, whether she is pretty or not, she rather be that messy girl who did not look in her best. She hated to think about appearance and she hated the most about love things. Because of these two things she was accused and it was something that had break her unevenly and no one can ever put that broken pieces ever again...
Why God always put me to walk in a dangerous walk in this life? I'll let the question with no answer.
As for now, the only thing that I can say with this messed up mind is that, I need miracle.
Biasanya klu update blog aku pki lappy, this time pki netbook sbb wifi xleh connect guna lappy..
While writing this post, I am currently listening to this sad song Hello, Goodbye by Hyorin. So I might be a little emotional while writing my sad journal in this post. Oh God..
I've been thinking A LOT this few days. Its okay May. Its OK.
While reflecting to my sad journey sepanjang di KL ni, aku hanya mampu *sigh. Along with the sad moments that I have to go through, there were a few good memories that I experienced. But, to be honest, here is a bit better than staying at Tawau.
Ndak ku nafikan, ramai sgt bertanya bila aku mau pulang Tawau.. Kalau lah mereka ni semua paham situasiku.. Bukan aku xmau, aku just tak boleh. The fact that I have a bad secret that I have to keep for these 21 years of my life, it's killing me that I can't do what people ask me to do.
Money is not the problem. Mmg ada sedikit cemburu dgn kwn-2 yg boleh pulang balik dri semenanjung ke Sabah.. Malangnya, aku ndak sebertuah mereka mereka. Aku rindu betul makanan di Tawau tu. Itu yg plg aku rindukan. Hahaha. Lps tu org tanya aku, tak rindu Mak Bapak ka?
Berat soalan tu. Tapi mcm biasa, aku just jawab, 'boleh je kol dorg'. Not to be rude, tp mmg itulah prinsip ku. Aku xmacam anak org lain. Aku macam ni lah. Rindu tu suatu perasaan yg blh menyiksa jika dibiarkan menguasai diri. Jadi, aku ambil langkah utk ndak jd org yg homesick mcm org lain. Aku latih diri utk jd no-feeling dlm sesetgh pkara utk kebaikanku. Jadi, nak kata aku rindu family kat Tawau? Jawapannya, biasa-2 jak. Sebab aku org yg suka hidup sendiri. Aku ada kat Tawau atau takda ka, tiada beza. I will still do my own things. Lagipun, impianku dari dulu untuk keluar dari Tawau. Aku experienced byk sgt bnd yg melukakan masa aku kat Tawau. Aku selalu ckp aku nak bina hidup baru klu aku dpt kluar dri Tawau. And here I am. Trying my best to live a new life. Tapi, bukanlah bermakna aku lupakan familyku. My family is my everything. My family is my destiny. They are my fortune. Semangat utk aku teruskan hidup. Cuma, aku dah diberikan peluang utk pergi jauh dan sejauh yg mungkin.
Aku ingt lagi bapaku cakap yg aku tak boleh tinggal di Tawau, aku tak boleh tinggal di rumah tu, aku kena pergi jauh dan klu boleh pergi tempat yg sgt jauh. Mak pun tak kisah. Pilihan selalu di tanganku sendiri. Aku yg tentukan ke mana aku akan melangkah. Berbekalkan restu parents tu, aku simpan impian yg mungkin pd pandangan org agak kejam sbb impian yg aku sulamkan dlm mimpi dan khayalanku bukanlah berada di samping org2 yg aku sayang, tapi jauh dri mereka. Asalkan aku dpt kabar psl dorg, yg mereka bahagia, mereka selamat, itu suda lebih dari cukup utk aku.
Doa utk keluarga tu takkan pernah bhenti kulafazkan dalam hati dan takkan pernah putus kututurkan dalam kata.
Talking about drawing my future, skrg aku bergelut dgn masa depan yg aku berusaha nak kejar. Aku ndakda bakat nak jadi seorg bintang atau seorang yg terkenal, kelebihan yg aku ada cuma berusaha utk berjaya dlm pelajaran. Tapi tak semudah itu. Jalan yg aku pilih jalan yg plg byk akan lukakan aku, sakitkan aku dan buat aku jatuh menangis.
Macam biasa, aku seorg yg kedekut air mata. Menangis tanpa suara dan tanpa teman, it's always be my habit. Gwaenchanha May. Its what you are used to do. Not whining and be burdensome to anyone, isn't it want you always do? Yaa. Aku taknak menyusahkan org utk tgu aku atau selalu berada di sampingku, I'm not worth for all that kind things, cukuplah aku bsendirian hadapi semua. Sakit mcm manapun, lemah mcm mana sekalipun kaki ni mau btahan utk bdiri, always, stick to that prinsip May.
Stay strong even in my weak position, act strong even in my miserable situation and pretend to be strong even in my lifeless state.
I'm a total hypocrite.
What else can I do selain dari berpura2?
21 tahun aku hidup dlm penipuan, aku suda terlalu tbiasa. I have deceived so many people, include the people that I loved. Its not an option, its a must. Mianhe everyone.
You did not know how it feels to be in my shoes. Even so, I know that there are still people out there yg lebih teruk their life bbanding aku. So, don't bother yourself to have pity on me. I still can walk on my own no matter how hard I cry.
How I feel right now after I got my bad exam result? I dunno. I dun have the answer. I avoid to think about that. Aku teringat seorg sahabat dulu pernah main satu permainan dgn aku bkenaan personaliti ku, and when I choose one of the option that she gave me, it turns out that my personality is the one who always run away from her problem.. Am I like that? Maybe sometimes...
Let me tell a story of an ordinary girl who is always clueless about her life. She started her primary school and went to secondary school. When everyone entered Matrix and Uni or College, she was stuck in a hopeless position. She can't draw her future anymore, where could the wrong could be when she don't even got a good result for SPM and she was left with only one choice to survive her life, which is Form 6. Back then, she remembered that she said she hated Form 6 so much that she don't want to go for it even thou it's the last choice that she had.
However, how could a girl that is so afraid of her brothers can go against the order? Ever since that day, she was so scared to her brothers words and she can't disobey it. Because of the bad result of SPM, she was accused of being so selfish and only think about being pretty and involved in love things. That was the moment she totally can't forget. Being accused for things that she don't even do, what do you expect? She was totally break at that moment. But nobody knows and yet she hide everything inside very good. Even until now.
That is why she don't want to ever try to fall in love with anyone, she don't want to care of how she looks, whether she is pretty or not, she rather be that messy girl who did not look in her best. She hated to think about appearance and she hated the most about love things. Because of these two things she was accused and it was something that had break her unevenly and no one can ever put that broken pieces ever again...
Why God always put me to walk in a dangerous walk in this life? I'll let the question with no answer.
As for now, the only thing that I can say with this messed up mind is that, I need miracle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)