Annyeong bloggie.. Hehe. Musim tgk Kdrama jd Korea language tu melekat di kepala otak yg serabut ni. Dah lama ndak mencoret di blog ni. Padahal cuti dan byk sgt mau diluahkan, but like always, May would rather hold everything inside her heart. Too many things inside this heart, sangat sesak dan takda space suda utk anything else..
Biasanya klu update blog aku pki lappy, this time pki netbook sbb wifi xleh connect guna lappy..
While writing this post, I am currently listening to this sad song Hello, Goodbye by Hyorin. So I might be a little emotional while writing my sad journal in this post. Oh God..
I've been thinking A LOT this few days. Its okay May. Its OK.
While reflecting to my sad journey sepanjang di KL ni, aku hanya mampu *sigh. Along with the sad moments that I have to go through, there were a few good memories that I experienced. But, to be honest, here is a bit better than staying at Tawau.
Ndak ku nafikan, ramai sgt bertanya bila aku mau pulang Tawau.. Kalau lah mereka ni semua paham situasiku.. Bukan aku xmau, aku just tak boleh. The fact that I have a bad secret that I have to keep for these 21 years of my life, it's killing me that I can't do what people ask me to do.
Money is not the problem. Mmg ada sedikit cemburu dgn kwn-2 yg boleh pulang balik dri semenanjung ke Sabah.. Malangnya, aku ndak sebertuah mereka mereka. Aku rindu betul makanan di Tawau tu. Itu yg plg aku rindukan. Hahaha. Lps tu org tanya aku, tak rindu Mak Bapak ka?
Berat soalan tu. Tapi mcm biasa, aku just jawab, 'boleh je kol dorg'. Not to be rude, tp mmg itulah prinsip ku. Aku xmacam anak org lain. Aku macam ni lah. Rindu tu suatu perasaan yg blh menyiksa jika dibiarkan menguasai diri. Jadi, aku ambil langkah utk ndak jd org yg homesick mcm org lain. Aku latih diri utk jd no-feeling dlm sesetgh pkara utk kebaikanku. Jadi, nak kata aku rindu family kat Tawau? Jawapannya, biasa-2 jak. Sebab aku org yg suka hidup sendiri. Aku ada kat Tawau atau takda ka, tiada beza. I will still do my own things. Lagipun, impianku dari dulu untuk keluar dari Tawau. Aku experienced byk sgt bnd yg melukakan masa aku kat Tawau. Aku selalu ckp aku nak bina hidup baru klu aku dpt kluar dri Tawau. And here I am. Trying my best to live a new life. Tapi, bukanlah bermakna aku lupakan familyku. My family is my everything. My family is my destiny. They are my fortune. Semangat utk aku teruskan hidup. Cuma, aku dah diberikan peluang utk pergi jauh dan sejauh yg mungkin.
Aku ingt lagi bapaku cakap yg aku tak boleh tinggal di Tawau, aku tak boleh tinggal di rumah tu, aku kena pergi jauh dan klu boleh pergi tempat yg sgt jauh. Mak pun tak kisah. Pilihan selalu di tanganku sendiri. Aku yg tentukan ke mana aku akan melangkah. Berbekalkan restu parents tu, aku simpan impian yg mungkin pd pandangan org agak kejam sbb impian yg aku sulamkan dlm mimpi dan khayalanku bukanlah berada di samping org2 yg aku sayang, tapi jauh dri mereka. Asalkan aku dpt kabar psl dorg, yg mereka bahagia, mereka selamat, itu suda lebih dari cukup utk aku.
Doa utk keluarga tu takkan pernah bhenti kulafazkan dalam hati dan takkan pernah putus kututurkan dalam kata.
Talking about drawing my future, skrg aku bergelut dgn masa depan yg aku berusaha nak kejar. Aku ndakda bakat nak jadi seorg bintang atau seorang yg terkenal, kelebihan yg aku ada cuma berusaha utk berjaya dlm pelajaran. Tapi tak semudah itu. Jalan yg aku pilih jalan yg plg byk akan lukakan aku, sakitkan aku dan buat aku jatuh menangis.
Macam biasa, aku seorg yg kedekut air mata. Menangis tanpa suara dan tanpa teman, it's always be my habit. Gwaenchanha May. Its what you are used to do. Not whining and be burdensome to anyone, isn't it want you always do? Yaa. Aku taknak menyusahkan org utk tgu aku atau selalu berada di sampingku, I'm not worth for all that kind things, cukuplah aku bsendirian hadapi semua. Sakit mcm manapun, lemah mcm mana sekalipun kaki ni mau btahan utk bdiri, always, stick to that prinsip May.
Stay strong even in my weak position, act strong even in my miserable situation and pretend to be strong even in my lifeless state.
I'm a total hypocrite.
What else can I do selain dari berpura2?
21 tahun aku hidup dlm penipuan, aku suda terlalu tbiasa. I have deceived so many people, include the people that I loved. Its not an option, its a must. Mianhe everyone.
You did not know how it feels to be in my shoes. Even so, I know that there are still people out there yg lebih teruk their life bbanding aku. So, don't bother yourself to have pity on me. I still can walk on my own no matter how hard I cry.
How I feel right now after I got my bad exam result? I dunno. I dun have the answer. I avoid to think about that. Aku teringat seorg sahabat dulu pernah main satu permainan dgn aku bkenaan personaliti ku, and when I choose one of the option that she gave me, it turns out that my personality is the one who always run away from her problem.. Am I like that? Maybe sometimes...
Let me tell a story of an ordinary girl who is always clueless about her life. She started her primary school and went to secondary school. When everyone entered Matrix and Uni or College, she was stuck in a hopeless position. She can't draw her future anymore, where could the wrong could be when she don't even got a good result for SPM and she was left with only one choice to survive her life, which is Form 6. Back then, she remembered that she said she hated Form 6 so much that she don't want to go for it even thou it's the last choice that she had.
However, how could a girl that is so afraid of her brothers can go against the order? Ever since that day, she was so scared to her brothers words and she can't disobey it. Because of the bad result of SPM, she was accused of being so selfish and only think about being pretty and involved in love things. That was the moment she totally can't forget. Being accused for things that she don't even do, what do you expect? She was totally break at that moment. But nobody knows and yet she hide everything inside very good. Even until now.
That is why she don't want to ever try to fall in love with anyone, she don't want to care of how she looks, whether she is pretty or not, she rather be that messy girl who did not look in her best. She hated to think about appearance and she hated the most about love things. Because of these two things she was accused and it was something that had break her unevenly and no one can ever put that broken pieces ever again...
Why God always put me to walk in a dangerous walk in this life? I'll let the question with no answer.
As for now, the only thing that I can say with this messed up mind is that, I need miracle.