I'm Getting Older

It's been two months since my last post. I was busy with working. Then, right after I enter UM again for new semester, I was busy with my activities and studying. Well, not rili studying. I am very left out in studying for the past 8 weeks. I focus more on my commitment rather than my studying. I feel very bad on myself now. It's my self reflection time. I got less than 7 weeks to cover back all the 8 weeks that I have wasted and I need to work very hard for this another 6 weeks left. I know, I'm such a bad student. I have missed a lot of morning classes. Damn, I need a wake up call. :( Mom, can you call me like everyday to wake me up for lecture? I miss you so much Mom... Dad....

It's been a year without Mom and and Dad beside me. I cannot go back home. I feel empty without my family. I'm such a bad daughter. I rarely pray for them. I did but not always. I'm sorry Mak.. Bapak..

Sorry for I am the only child who cannot go back to see every semester break. While all my friends were busy buying ticket to go back to hometown, I can only see and do nothing. I can only pray that you both will be fine there even without me. I'm sorry... :(

I'm turning 22 next year, another 8 months to go.. I'm gonna getting older without you both by my side. And you gonna live life without me taking care of you there. Although we have issues for the years that we have live together, but still, you are the family that God have chosen for me. I only have one mother and one father, forever 'till I die. I may not be the best daughter ever.. But, I promise to never stop loving you guys and pray for you every second of my life...

I dunno why I started to talk about Mom and Dad.. I guess I just really miss them so much now....

I know I said to everyone that I don't even miss my family in hometown.. But someone noticed that, I will always 'eat my own words'.. Yes, indeed. I said I won't cry in front of the public, but I burst into tears because I cannot hold the sadness and pressure for not be able to protect the people that I really wanted to defend. I didn't lied when I said I don't cry in front of the public. I really don't. But when I did, it just show how weak I am as a human being that cannot stand the pressure any longer. I can be so weak sometimes. :(

I'm 21 years, 6 months and 5 days old now. I'm growing up becoming a more matured person/lady day by day. The maturity that have growth in me has changed me physically and emotionally. Some people said to me that I look much more matured now.. some said that they can see the seniority on my face.. The experienced senior is obvious on my face.. I just feel that everyone want to said that I'm getting older now and it is obvious on my face.. I just feel weird.. When I worked during the last three months, all the people in my workplace said that I look like 18, like a kid, like a high school student. None of the customers or staff ever said that I look old or matured. Ha ha ha. Well, I guess different places brings out the different side of me.

God.. Am I a bad girl? I don't know myself sometimes. I don't know whether things that I do or did are/were right or wrong. I just confused sometimes. I can be so confused on how to live according to your ways.. :( I am so clueless and confuse and a weak human being. I feel bad about myself. I am easily distracted. Easily forgot my own goal.. God... :(

I've just found a very nice song.. I feel so calm when I listen to it.. It reminds me of me when I was lost and almost leave my Lord forever. It was the most regretful decision ever.. I'm sorry God.. :( I started a new life with you when I entered UM. Thank you for this second chance of living life with You and enduring challenges in life with You.. Guide me with Your love, and keep my heart stronger to stay with You no matter what happened.. :)

Here's my favourite line of the song,

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

Oh, I'm going back to the start of loving Jesus, believe Him and Heavenly Father, and live my life to worship my Lord, my God, my Savior. Amen. :)

How Lonely I Can Be?

It's 21 August today, it been more than a month since my last post here. I got a job last month as a promoter at Isetan KLCC, so I was damn busy with my working life and I don't have time to write anything here. My exam result was out last month too. I did pretty bad again. I only managed to get 2.66 CGPA. And I failed one subject, which is obviously Family Law. I move on from grieving about my result already. Yeah, I did break a little (well, maybe more) but at least I did some improvement and I still need to work harder for next semester. I have done my best, I could not blame myself continuously (which I actually did whenever I remember my worst result, but I cannot give up on myself. Really really need to work very very hard for my second year.. Need to get more serious than usual I guess.. I'm just afraid I'll turns out to be someone, that even I can't recognize myself. But what else can I do to upgrade my pointer? Is there any other path that I can take except being serious to my future?

Well cut it off about pointer. It's something that I will focus when I get back to later in few more weeks. What I really want to share here is about how lonely I am now. Damn lonely. Forever lonely.

Today, I logged out from my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Wechat. For awhile I don't wanna use that apps. I just need a break from my social life and see what difference it will make to me. I am so into my social apps and I forget that there are lots of thing that I have left behind. I am very used to staring at phone 24/7 until  I forgot to be alert to my surrounding.

My major problem is that I am that very lonely and I depends with those apps to keep me alive everyday. That is my problem. To get myself a real life again. What the heck is happening to me? Why am I feel so lonely?

Couldn't I for a day stop using those apps and live my life like a normal me few years ago without those apps? I realize that I wasted lots of my time for those social apps. Too much time wasted which I suppose to use it by doing beneficial things.

So, now am I teaching myself to not depends much on those apps. Let start a new fresh lifestyle. Why must I wasted lots of my time for the internet. It is so not healthy.

Lets just speak the truth May, you are so lonely right?

Yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I live in KL without my parents, just live here with my brothers whom I rarely speak with, and for 6 months I'll be living in my college with my friends, how can I not be lonely?

I am forever single and forever lonely.........

I am so stuck in my lonely world and I have no idea why is it like this and what to do.

So, to answer how lonely I can be?

I really need to make myself closer to God so that I won't feel alone. I know, still I'm alone even thou I focus much on worship God, but at least I wanna feel His presence near me everyday.. Even thou I'm alone, I want to be alone with Him.. Maybe it's the best way for me to reflect on my life.. As I depends much on those social apps, I should now stop now.

The Perks of Being a Law Student

Near the end of May, I'm not feeling good. Or even bad. I'm feeling empty.

The perks of being a Law Student : You know you're screwed.

All those whom study in Law School, they are aware of 'nothing is impossible in Law School'. Like it or not, if you choose to be in Law School, you should foresee that you will face a lot of sh*t. As time goes by, you started to lose hopes and and you just feel that you wanna die.

Unlike other faculties, the students were busy memorizing facts and process, but for Law students, they need to discover what are the issues, what law to apply (the complete procedures of law, with the correct flow of section need to be mention), not they forget that they also need to include the authority to support their arguments (this is the part where A LOT of students wanna cry because they are required to READ TONS OF CASES to be included in their answer script). And the answer did not stop there, the crucial part will be the application of the laws and cases that you have cited to the present situation. Here, they are required to give strong arguments why they choose this and this instead of that that.. They need to defend their answer strongly just like the Great Wall of China.. And only after they have bla bla bla, they will conclude their arguments and rest his answer.. Within two or three hours to write that, and study for almost 6 months to answer in hours of all the things that you have learn, how's that?

Yeah.. Exam is crazy. Totally crazy. You learn all the syllabus for eight subjects and for each subject you are only gonna sit exam for three hours to apply all the crazy facts and cases that you have studied. CRAAZYYY..

Oh yeah, not to mention, final exam is not the only one, Law student will also have to work hard for their carry marks!!! While carry marks is super hard to get, what more do you expect for final exam?

Carry marks will include tutorials, presentations, assignments, test and etc. Usually carry marks will takes 30% to 40% of final marks, while the rest is up to final exam.. So, talking about carry marks.... I don't really like it.

I did not shine a lot for my carry marks, so what do you expect my final exam will be?

Seriously, last semester, my worst carry marks for test in only 12.5/25. And todayyyy, the even worst carry mark for my test is 1/25!!! Can you imagine how I feel???? I screwed it all for my Family Law!!! I don't know why I can't carry this subject bcos this is the most easy to understand subject.

I think the only problem that I have is because of the lecturer. I am not matching with the lecturer. She hates me and I hate her as well. She cursed me a lot, saying that I will fail. Yeah, the power is in her hand, ofcoz her words will come true.

I don't know if I ever have chance to even pass this subject for my final, cuz I really dun want to repeat any paper for this semester, again..

I'm begging You God.. Can You help me to get out from all this mess?

I'm totally screwed up now.. I don't know what else to do to pass this subject. I can only cross fingers for my final later on.. I wanted to pass this subject so bad...

I am sad. Totally sad today. But I tried to think of the way out.

I hope God can help me.... You're my only hope now.. I don't want Family Law be the one that got away from me.. Help me to pass this subject pleaseee... :'( :'(

And help me to keep my passion grow stronger and don't let me to be weak bcos of the carry marks..

And I say all this things, put in God's hand to help me solve it.. Amen..

A Load of Stress

I am about to pull out my hair!!!!!

I screamed like that for the past two weeks. I can feel that everyday the pressure onto me is getting worst and worsen. This battle between me and a load of stress, I don't have any backup and help, well that was I thought irrationally because I was too depressed with everything that I could not handle by myself.

Masalahnya sekarang, aku stress sebenarnya. Dalam aku try mau atasi stress tu, aku involved dgn many aktiviti and at the same time, aku try my best utk atur betul-2 masaku for everyday rutin. I try very hard utk ubah cara studyku. It's pretty hard, tapi aku xmau give up. It's hard sbb aku kena korban byk masa rehatku, and aku kena kejar masa utk ke sana sini.

For now, starting sem 2 sejak hari tu, aku try utk selalu luangkan lebih banyak masa di library utk ulang kaji, if can, everyday. At college, aku ajar diriku utk tidak byk tidur and stay up utk study klu aku ndak busy waktu malam, or, if aku ada practice waktu malam, aku cuba tidur seawal jam1 pagi and try utk tdur 3-4 jam jak supaya aku dpt bgun subuh utk ulang kaji. Itu eksperimen yg aku cuba buat skrg. Mmglah ada masanya aku terbabas jgk sbb ttidur kepenatan, tp aku cuba utk everyday if I can. Sbb aku xmau bhenti utk terus buat dan berusaha. Lama-lama nanti, aku yakin aku boleh biasakan diri.

Aku buat semua ni semata-mata mau dptkan pointer terbaik utk sem ni. Aku ndak mintak byk, aku cuma mau buat yg terbaik, improve diriku, kemahiranku and pengetahuanku and dptkan pointer 3.0 above utk final exam. God willing, if I'm in the right track, God will help me.

Mana-mana benda aku ndak paham, aku akan cri kwn2ku utk bertanya, sana sini aku cuba semua cara utk improve diriku. Temptation mmg sgt berat, tp aku berusaha lawan sedaya upayaku.

Unfortunately, few days ni, mmg aku dlm dilema. Stress makin menjadi-2. Aku ada masalah dgn sorg lecture ni yg mmg ndak suka dgn aku. Last week dia kenakan aku utk jadi tutor dlm kelas tutorialnya akan dtg. Mmg nahas lah aku jawabnya sbb kena take over tempatnya and dia akan jd salah seorg student dlm kelas tu. Aku disuruhnya handle kelas tutor tu. Masalahnya, aku risau bila dia akan tny aku and aku ndak boleh mau jawab. Sbb tu aku pening betul pikir benda ni. Tutorial tu isnin akan dtg ni. Td ada lah buat discussion dgn classmates tutorial ku tapi ndak semua dtg jd hopefully lah everything will turns out good for me. Actually aku ndak kisah dia mau marah, bentak aku skalipun, maki hamun kah apa, aku suda biasa dgn semua tu. Cuma aku stress sbb aku kena skor utk papernya and really dun want to repeat her paper. I will try my best utk pikat hatinya walaupun aku bukan student yg menyerlah sgt, Law is quite hard for me, honestly speaking jd aku try my best utk improve day by day.

Seriously, that lecturer mmg mghantui hidupku sehari2. Ndak lengkap hariku klu ndak ckp psl dia dlm sehari. Aku realize benda tu. Keep mention her name everyday. It hurts me at the same time sbb dikenakan begitu teruk.  God... let things run smoothly for me this upcoming Monday. Amen..

And yeah, for this time being, aku cuba utk dekatkan diri lebih kepada Tuhan. Every Sunday aku try my best utk celebrate hari Sabat dgn kwn2 ku yg sama2 Kristian mcm aku. I feel bless sbb for the first time in forever aku diberkati dgn kwn2 seiman yg akan jd pendampingku utk pigi gereja. Dorg jgk lah yg bawak aku utk Bible Learning yg first time aku alami di sini. Suatu pengalaman yg baru dan sgt menyenangkan utk aku. I am very blessed on this part. Thank You Father. Thank You Jesus.

There are two things yg buat aku depressed jugak skrg, first is about my family at Tawau and secondly, my friends at UPSI.

Pasal my dear friends di UPSI tu, actually aku suda janji mau jumpa dorg, I mean lawat dorg di UPSI sana this weekend. Tapi tu lah, kita merancang, Tuhan yang tentukan. Masa aku plan mau ke UPSI tu mmg before lecturer aku kenakan aku utk jd tutor. And, aku pun lupa yg this Sunday aku ada event ambang FESENI yg aku punya group puisi kena perform. Aku mmg tlupa event tu this weekend. So this week mmg aku busy dgn practice tiap2 malam sampai lewat malam. At the same time aku pun kena atur pelajaranku jgk, jd mmg hectic lah jadualku skrg. And then, this Saturday, yg aku janji mau p UPSI tu jgk lah ada pertandingan mooting di fakulti tu. Althou aku ndak participate, tp aku mau tgk perjalanan pertandingan tu sbb second year nnt aku pun kena mooting jgk sbb itu mmg kira wajib di Law School. Sbb tu aku perlukan guidelines so aku mmg kena perhatikan betul2 how the mooting actually work.

Sbb tu aku mmg feel guilty btl dgn dorg di UPSI but aku sendiri stuck dlm situasi yg btul2 byk bg tekanan dgn aku. I am really sorry guys. Aku ndak minta kamu paham aku, and aku pun ndak mampu mau explain byk dgn kamu. Because basically all the reason will just turns out to be excuses for me.I don't want to give any excuses nor reason. I really can't do anything except for asking forgiveness. (-_-*)

About my home, the only thing that I can say is that I am hurt when I heard that my parents bgaduh lagi di rumah sana. Mak, Bapak, sudahlah bgaduh. Aku slalu doakan mamak sama bapak di sini supaya slalu sihat, kuat and baik2 jak. Aku enam bulan sudah di sini mak, pak. Mau pulang rumah pun mmg ndak boleh mak, pak. Aku cuma boleh telefon jak pi rumah tanya2 kabar, dgr suara mamak sama bapak, itu pun suda cukup bsyukur suda aku. Suda cukup bagi aku strength utk teruskan hidup di sini, teruskan azam di sini. Tapi bila dgr mamak sama bapak ada konflik lagi di sini, it affect me as well here. Dari dulu aku slalukan doakan utk kharmonian dlm rumah kita, sbb aku pernah alami benda dpn mataku yg aku ndak mau berulang lagi. Cukuplah rasa sakit yg dulu tu. Jgnlah berulang lagi. Dear God, the only thing that I want is my parents to live in peace and no fight between them. Jauhkanlah mana2 anasir luar yg cuma mgoyahkan ketenangan rumahku. I'm begging you my dear God.. I love both of my parents, I don't want to hate any of them. Bagi kekuatan dgn kakak ku Neli supaya dia ndak tganggu dgn masalah di rumah tu terlalu byk. Bless her Jesus. And for my sister, Yanti, please, show her the right path. Jgn buatkan dia tsasar and always make her respect her own mother and father.

Dear God, I love my parents, sisters and brothers, please, do take care of them and bless them, Jesus. And also for my deares friends, whoever them, wherever they are, bless them and take care of them. I am happy if my family are doing fine and also my friends are doing good.. =)

Hectic Second Semester

Its been a week already since 2nd semester started. One word to describe my 2nd semester, BUSY.

Like seriously.. I dunno how on earth I will end up to have so many works to do during my 2nd semester.. Woah.. Seriously, my goal for 2nd semester is only to achieve much better pointer and upgrade my result to much much better. Really, I ain't telling a fairytale story here, I really need to get pointer 3 above this sem. If not, I WILL DIE.

I dun wanna die young so I will have to work really really hard this sem, and I dun give a damn to any excuses from myself anymore. I need to treat myself very very strict so that I can achieve something for this sem.

Not to forget, I also got a few responsibilities this sem for my college and faculty.

For faculty, I am involved in TIE-rrific Run which will be held in one month to come. Since I am under Publicity Bureau, I will have to promote everything regarding this event to everyone regardless anyone in this campus. Bear in mind that I will have to be brave to promote this thing and I shall not be shy-shy-cat or close-my-mouth because I need to be talkactive or simply said like-a-clown to promote this event. Never mind, I'll just assume that this is the training for me to networking with people around my campus. So, fighting for this event!

For college is bit hell, hahaha. I'm involved with all that 'seni' stuff. Pfftttt.... =.=

Since I am a member of JKP Kreatif, so I will be involved with the Festival Seni or FESENI thing. Need to lend a hand for Ambang FESENI, FESENI Opening, Ekspresi Seni Lukis, and also not to forget my participation in Manifestasi Puisi. And yeah, second biggest event that drive me like crazy is Malam Kebudayaan Borneo and I am the informal MC for that event.. So crazzzyyyyy... Omo omo...

So, all the things that I joined for this sem had made me need to attend plenty of meeting in the evening and night. So, I was quite worry that it will effect my studies. I really need to manage my timetable very well so hat I won't be left behind with my studies. I need to work on this sem.

I can do it! Motivate myself everyday.. Fighting! Fighting May!!!

I tell My Stories, I tell My Sadness

Petang yg panas begini pun mata ku ni boleh mengalirkan air mata. Ndak tau lah ini air mata sedih, penyesalan atau sakit hati? Dari smlm xda tidur sbb pikir byk hal. Aku tau semua salahku.. Tapi skali semua org hentam aku, mmg lah aku ndak kuat. Di luar aku bolehlah blakon no feeling mcm ndak terasa,, hakikatnya dlm hati aku btl btl tluka..

Dari dulu sampai skrg, aku dpt result ndak bgs jak aku mesti dimarah berabis.. Sedih. Teramat sedih. Aku bukannya ndak sedih dpt result begini. Tuhan jak lah yg tahu mcm mana break downnya aku masa tgk result sem 1 ku. Semua senior ckp mmg Law School bukan senang. Mmg aku belajar setiap hari.. Sleepless night aku hampir setiap malam. Tanyalah roomates ku dua2, aku mmg jarang tidur dlm bilik kalau malam. Subuh pukul 4 atau 5 pagi bru masuk bilik balik. Aku try my best utk baca itu ini, tp aku ada masalah dgn penulisan argument ku. Aku buntuh mau tulis apa. English utk jawab paper Law bukan mcm tulis cerita fantasi Harry Potter sampai berjilid-2 tu. Aku ndakda basic bah. Aku tau itu bukan alasan. Tapi aku akui aku mmg lemah, sgt sgt lemah sampai aku setiap hari dlm dilema and ketakutan mau menghadap subjek subjek ku.. Aku berjalan sendirian utk study Law ni tanpa basic, aku perlukan masa utk paham sgala2nya.. Konsepnya aku paham tapi aku stuck bila mau sampaikan secara lisan atau penulisan. Aku byk refer kwn2 dgn buku2 tapi mmg bukan rezeki ku sem 1 ni mau buat mcm mana lagi..

Aku sendiri rasa sakit yg teramat bah. That result had make a hole inside of me. That hole cannot be heal.. Aku bukan gemar menangis. Masa dpt result hari tu pun aku jd speechless and termenung kosong jak. Ndakda air mata aku boleh kluarkan. Sampailah aku dpt pressure dri familyku.. Tapi macam biasa aku slalu menangis senyap2 bila malam melabuhkan tirai, tanpa suara, tanpa bunyi, aku menangis menyendiri.. Sakit sgt sgt.. Tapi siapa mahu ambil tahu?? Selama ni aku menangis sendiri setiap kali aku sedih. Mana pernah org mau hulurkan tgn setiap kali aku jatuh menangis. Mana pernah org mau dakap aku stiap kali aku menangis..Aku selalu sendiri.. dan sentiasa sendiri.. Sakit aku rasa tu bukan satu, tapi dua skaligus! Sakit sbb masalah dan sakit sbb sendirian..

Hakikatnya aku lemah di dpn diri sendiri.. Ada masanya aku tak boleh tipu diri ni..

Oh God.. Kenapa bagi aku jalan yg berduri lagi.. Kesianlah dgn aku. Aku ndak boleh silap sikit di dpn familyku, silap sikit jak mmg aku kenak berabis.. Aku tau, supaya aku jd org bguna jd mmg dgn aku dorg bkeras.. Mgkn sbb aku sentiasa act kuat di dpn dorg aku sama skali ndak dibagi ruang utk tsilap langkah sikit.. Aku lemah skrg.. Sgt lemah.. Tolong aku, dear God..

Kata org, hidup ni bagaikan roda, kdg kita di atas, kdg kita di bawah. Tapi aku ibaratkan hidup seperti menaiki bukit. Kita semakin memanjat ke atas tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Jadi kaki kita akan selalu bergerak ke hadapan tanpa perlu jatuh ke bawah. Namun, setiap perjalanan ke hadapan tak semestinya lancar. Ada masa kita tersadung batu dan terduduk jatuh. Ada masa kita tersesat kerana cabang jalan yg mengelirukan..

Yaa, aku tersalah masuk jalan masa sem 1 ni sampaikan aku dpt result yg teruk. Tapi, tiadakah kemaafan utk aku? Aku dari habis STPM masa bulan Didember 2012 lalu, sampai lah bulan September 2013, langsung ndakda buat persiapan atau study apa2. Aku dtg dgn otak kosong dan penuh keserabutan.. Bukan cuma study yg perlu aku khuatirkan, aku pun kena hidup.. Utk hidup tak hanya satu perkara jak yg kita kena fikirkan, banyak sbnrnya..

Tapi tetap semua tu tak boleh aku bagi sbg alasan kan? Bahkan aku ndak diberi apapun peluang utk bg alasan bg melindungi diri.. Keadaanku sama seperti pesalah membunuh yg sudah semestinya akan dijatuhkan hukuman mati walaupun keputusan hakim belum diumumkan..

Utk sampai tahap aku skrg, mcm2 aku korbankan.. Masa muda ku ndak sama mcm budak2 sebaya ku di luar sana. Yg aku tau cuma jaga hati dgn kemahuan familyku. Cubalah kamu tgk bdk2 perempuan sebayaku di luar sana, bandingkan dgn aku.. Aku ndakda keinginan suda mcm bdk2 di luar sana.. Bahkan ada yg lbh muda dari aku begitu asyik jaga penampilan, tapi aku hny muncul dgn T-shirt saiz M dan rambut kusut terurai di luar sana.. Ada yg bahagia bersama kekasih zaman muda, tapi aku, sudah tutup pintu hati sejak result SPM yg lalu.. Ada yg dimaafkan walau jahil mana skalipun. Ada ragam itu ini, tapi aku, seribu kebaikan langsung dilupakan bila buat satu kesilapan.

Dunia tak adil? Dari dulu lagi aku tau hakikat duniawi ni.. Mmg menyakitkan.

Saat plg menyakitkan bila kita jatuh sendirian. Aku tak suka nak bebankan masalah sendiri dgn org lain. Org lain pun ada masalah tsendiri, sbb tu lebih baik aku simpan semuanya dlm hati.. Mgkn org tgk aku keras hati dan kuat orgnya, hakikatnya hatiku ni sgt rapuh. Klu sentuh pd tmpt tak sepatutnya, org akan nampak diriku yg miserable. I cannot let that happen.. Cuma kekuatan yg aku ada utk buatkan aku bangun berdiri lg.. Tapi itu satu2nya jalannya..

I did promise myself yg aku akan berusaha terbaik mungkin utk sem 2. Kawan kata ada lagi 7 sem utk buktikan yg aku boleh buat. Walaupun aku xyakin, tapi aku mau cuba sedaya upaya. Apapun berlaku, aku terima sebarang kesusahan yg tersedia supaya aku boleh terus maju ke hadapan..

Aku ndak mau tgk diriku bsedih.. Aku sygkan diriku sendiri.. Bila tgk diriku terluka, aku yg akan rasa.. Jadi aku ndak rasa luka yg akulah penyebabnya..

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

Macam tu lah aku akan buat. Walau takut mcm mana skalipun, aku tetap kena terus melangkah. Selama ni aku boleh bwk diriku sampai ke tmpt yg aku sendiri tak sangka boleh pijak, jdi ku kena terus kuat utk responbawak diri ni lebih hadapan.. Walau mcm mana skalipun respond yg aku dpt gra2 resultku, aku cuma akan bdiam dan simpan dlm hati. Biarlah hati di dlm ni yg menangis.. Aku xmau dera mataku utk buat kerja yg menyakitkan dgn menangis.. Klu hati yg menangis, itu lebih baik..

Sometimes my lips can't say anything and my eyes are too tired to give respond to obviously miserable things.. That's why my heart is willing bear the hidden stories and sadness behind my poker face..

Inside That Pain

For once, aku teringin mau menulis apa-2 jak yg bermain dlm fikiranku.Macam skrg. Aku mau latih mindaku utk terus menulis dan berfikir secara kronologi tanpa putus berfikir. Lately, banyak sgt bnd yg bermain2 dlm fikiran ni. Kdg bikin semak kepala jak, tapi itulah kegemaranku, berfikir dan terus berfikir.

Aku tny diriku sendiri, sbnrnya apa yg aku rasa skrg? Apa perasaanku? Apa masalahku? Apa yg menganggu fikiranku? Tapi, aku sendiri ndakda jawapannya. Pelik kan? Nmpk sgt aku sbnrnya stress.

Yaa..Mmg stress pun. Kalau aku stress aku akan layan Korean Drama dri malam sampai subuh. Mula tergila-2kan pelakon hero dlm Kdrama tu, banyak bcerita pasal Kdrama, semua pasal Kdrama. Sbb AKU STRESS. Kalau aku normal manalah aku ada masa mau lyn bnd2 tu semua.

Kan pd hakikatnya aku bukanlah peminat tegar Kpop. Aku lebih suka layan product2 dari Barat. Hahaha.. Tapi tu lah tanda-2 stress ku bila aku suda addicted tgk Kdrama. Ndak lama lg hilang la wabak ni.

Sbnrnya ada certain time aku malas mau pikir masalah jd aku cri lah bnd yg blh distract aku. It is Kdrama.

Tutup cerita Kdrama.

Aku rasa aku gilaaaa suda skrg. Arrgghh. Geram geram..
May, breath in. Breath out. Cool May.. Pikir dgn rasional. Jgn jd gila dulu.. Sabar sabar..

Tgk realiti May. Pandang cermin dan lihat realiti dunia. Jgn stuck dlm situasi yg kau sendiri tak suka.
Do you know how hard have you gone through to be in this stage? Don't ruin everything May. Keep walking forward..
No matter how hard it is. No matter how stress you are right now.
Tears like yesterday won't be the same in the future.. Nan molla. Just what the heaven am I talking about now.. Ugh! Talking crap again.
The fact that, kalau aku stress aku jadi gila.

Sometimes, I draw those happy dream and happy future for myself. And it turns out that those are just things that I can't get in this world. It hurts me so much when I can't get what I want. But who I am to deny the fact that I am not God. I can't decide what I can have and what I don't want in this world.

Yeah, world can be cruel sometimes. But, it is the way of this world. There is no option like 'take it or leave it'. We only have 'take it and suck it'.

Sad fact. I am speechless. I should not have draw those happy dreams and happy future for myself. Because in the end, I will only cry because of it. I hide something inside here, in my heart. And I'm trying to figure out what is it. But still, I don't know. I can't find it. What happened to me?

I Need Miracle

Annyeong bloggie.. Hehe. Musim tgk Kdrama jd Korea language tu melekat di kepala otak yg serabut ni. Dah lama ndak mencoret di blog ni. Padahal cuti dan byk sgt mau diluahkan, but like always, May would rather hold everything inside her heart. Too many things inside this heart, sangat sesak dan takda space suda utk anything else..

Biasanya klu update blog aku pki lappy, this time pki netbook sbb wifi xleh connect guna lappy..

While writing this post, I am currently listening to this sad song Hello, Goodbye by Hyorin. So I might be a little emotional while writing my sad journal in this post. Oh God..

I've been thinking A LOT this few days. Its okay May. Its OK.

While reflecting to my sad journey sepanjang di KL ni, aku hanya mampu *sigh. Along with the sad moments that I have to go through, there were a few good memories that I experienced. But, to be honest, here is a bit better than staying at Tawau.

Ndak ku nafikan, ramai sgt bertanya bila aku mau pulang Tawau.. Kalau lah mereka ni semua paham situasiku.. Bukan aku xmau, aku just tak boleh. The fact that I have a bad secret that I have to keep for these 21 years of my life, it's killing me that I can't do what people ask me to do.

Money is not the problem. Mmg ada sedikit cemburu dgn kwn-2 yg boleh pulang balik dri semenanjung ke Sabah.. Malangnya, aku ndak sebertuah mereka mereka. Aku rindu betul makanan di Tawau tu. Itu yg plg aku rindukan. Hahaha. Lps tu org tanya aku, tak rindu Mak Bapak ka?

Berat soalan tu. Tapi mcm biasa, aku just jawab, 'boleh je kol dorg'. Not to be rude, tp mmg itulah prinsip ku. Aku xmacam anak org lain. Aku macam ni lah. Rindu tu suatu perasaan yg blh menyiksa jika dibiarkan menguasai diri. Jadi, aku ambil langkah utk ndak jd org yg homesick mcm org lain. Aku latih diri utk jd no-feeling dlm sesetgh pkara utk kebaikanku. Jadi, nak kata aku rindu family kat Tawau? Jawapannya, biasa-2 jak. Sebab aku org yg suka hidup sendiri. Aku ada kat Tawau atau takda ka, tiada beza. I will still do my own things. Lagipun, impianku dari dulu untuk keluar dari Tawau. Aku experienced byk sgt bnd yg melukakan masa aku kat Tawau. Aku selalu ckp aku nak bina hidup baru klu aku dpt kluar dri Tawau. And here I am. Trying my best to live a new life. Tapi, bukanlah bermakna aku lupakan familyku. My family is my everything. My family is my destiny. They are my fortune. Semangat utk aku teruskan hidup. Cuma, aku dah diberikan peluang utk pergi jauh dan sejauh yg mungkin.

Aku ingt lagi bapaku cakap yg aku tak boleh tinggal di Tawau, aku tak boleh tinggal di rumah tu, aku kena pergi jauh dan klu boleh pergi tempat yg sgt jauh. Mak pun tak kisah. Pilihan selalu di tanganku sendiri. Aku yg tentukan ke mana aku akan melangkah. Berbekalkan restu parents tu, aku simpan impian yg mungkin pd pandangan org agak kejam sbb impian yg aku sulamkan dlm mimpi dan khayalanku bukanlah berada di samping org2 yg aku sayang, tapi jauh dri mereka. Asalkan aku dpt kabar psl dorg, yg mereka bahagia, mereka selamat, itu suda lebih dari cukup utk aku.

Doa utk keluarga tu takkan pernah bhenti kulafazkan dalam hati dan takkan pernah putus kututurkan dalam kata.

Talking about drawing my future, skrg aku bergelut dgn masa depan yg aku berusaha nak kejar. Aku ndakda bakat nak jadi seorg bintang atau seorang yg terkenal, kelebihan yg aku ada cuma berusaha utk berjaya dlm pelajaran. Tapi tak semudah itu. Jalan yg aku pilih jalan yg plg byk akan lukakan aku, sakitkan aku dan buat aku jatuh menangis.

Macam biasa, aku seorg yg kedekut air mata. Menangis tanpa suara dan tanpa teman, it's always be my habit. Gwaenchanha May. Its what you are used to do. Not whining and be burdensome to anyone, isn't it want you always do? Yaa. Aku taknak menyusahkan org utk tgu aku atau selalu berada di sampingku, I'm not worth for all that kind things, cukuplah aku bsendirian hadapi semua. Sakit mcm manapun, lemah mcm mana sekalipun kaki ni mau btahan utk bdiri, always, stick to that prinsip May.

Stay strong even in my weak position, act strong even in my miserable situation and pretend to be strong even in my lifeless state.

I'm a total hypocrite.

What else can I do selain dari berpura2?

21 tahun aku hidup dlm penipuan, aku suda terlalu tbiasa. I have deceived so many people, include the people that I loved. Its not an option, its a must. Mianhe everyone.

You did not know how it feels to be in my shoes. Even so, I know that there are still people out there yg lebih teruk their life bbanding aku. So, don't bother yourself to have pity on me. I still can walk on my own no matter how hard I cry.

How I feel right now after I got my bad exam result? I dunno. I dun have the answer. I avoid to think about that. Aku teringat seorg sahabat dulu pernah main satu permainan dgn aku bkenaan personaliti ku, and when I choose one of the option that she gave me, it turns out that my personality is the one who always run away from her problem.. Am I like that? Maybe sometimes...

Let me tell a story of an ordinary girl who is always clueless about her life. She started her primary school and went to secondary school. When everyone entered Matrix and Uni or College, she was stuck in a hopeless position. She can't draw her future anymore, where could the wrong could be when she don't even got a good result for SPM and she was left with only one choice to survive her life, which is Form 6. Back then, she remembered that she said she hated Form 6 so much that she don't want to go for it even thou it's the last choice that she had.

However, how could a girl that is so afraid of her brothers can go against the order? Ever since that day, she was so scared to her brothers words and she can't disobey it. Because of the bad result of SPM, she was accused of being so selfish and only think about being pretty and involved in love things. That was the moment she totally can't forget. Being accused for things that she don't even do, what do you expect? She was totally break at that moment. But nobody knows and yet she hide everything inside very good. Even until now.

That is why she don't want to ever try to fall in love with anyone, she don't want to care of how she looks, whether she is pretty or not, she rather be that messy girl who did not look in her best. She hated to think about appearance and she hated the most about love things. Because of these two things she was accused and it was something that had break her unevenly and no one can ever put that broken pieces ever again...

Why God always put me to walk in a dangerous walk in this life? I'll let the question with no answer.

As for now, the only thing that I can say with this messed up mind is that, I need miracle.

Hai January.. Bulan Kedukaan..

My last post was December 21st ago. Sorry. Was busy with my life sampai aku lupa utk update kebusy'an ku di di sini.. Yaa, based on the title dapatlah di'agak yg aku akan b'cerita dgn kisah duka di bulan Januari.. Tapi.. Jgnlah terus jump pigi cerita sedih.. Cerita dulu la pasal penutupan tirai 2013..

Oh ya, by the way, aku xda cerita utk Krismas tahun 2013 sbb aku sambut Krismas di kolej kediaman jak.. And masa tu pun study week so nothing special yg terjadi.. My Krismas was just like those ordinary day.. Hmmm... Student's life I guess..

Nantilah aku buat tribute utk tahun 2013 tu.. Not in this post I guess..

Malam ambang 2014 tu aku balik rumah abg aku.. Malas mau stay kolej so pigilah rumah abg.. Entah kenapa aku mau pigi rumah abgku masa tu.. Stress kot. Lgpun muak suda mkn mknn kolej tu.. Hmmm..

Sepanjang exam lepas.. Entahlah.. I don't think I did my best lah. Frankly speaking mmg aku ndak tau apa-2 pasal subjek-2 aku belajar. Aku rasa masa belajar undang-2 tu lah aku kejutan budaya.. Sangat-2 stress.. Dgn pressure dri abg2ku lg yg suru aku score mcm gila.. Aku stress sbb aku xpaham pun apa yg aku belajar.. Aku ndak tau lah knp aku jd mcm tu. Nak kata xda preparation, org2 yg xda basic mcm aku still boleh kejar.. Tp aku lgsg xdpt.. Kenapa?? Persoalan tu terus-2 bermain di fikiranku..

Semalam actually aku dpt news yg mmg heart breaking.. Paper Contract aku dpt D+. Sumpah aku tkejut gila.. Teruk mcm mana pun aku tak paham Contract tu tapi takkanlah sampai aku xleh lulus kredit kesian?? At least aku aim sgt2 utk dpt C. Tp mmg tkejut lah sbb dpt D+. Sbb carry mark ku teruk rasanya.. Aku ptt buat bgs2 aku punya assignment dgn test ari tu.. Tapi, entahlah.. Aku masi sedih. Sumpah sedih.. Gagal bah tu.. Tpaksa repeat paper..

Sedih ndak tkira bah aku.. Kenapa jadi mcm tu? Aku suda berusaha berabis utk Contract tapi kenapa? Kenapa? Penat aku tny diriku..

Aku takut skrg utk tahu pointerku pulak.. Sumpah takut..

Ya Allah, xda ka keampunan utk aku?? Bukankah aku suda berusaha semampu ku utk Contract?? Tapi kenapa? Kenapa?? :'(

I promise I'm going to start telling happy things tadi kan tapi remuk bah hatiku skrg. Tak dpt bendung lg rasa sedihku.. I don't know.. Aku sgt sgt down skrg..

Aku tertanya2 either aku boleh teruskan 4 tahun study Undang2.. Sound like I'm giving up kan? Yeah.. Maybe.. I dunno..


Aku cuma mampu persoalkan diriku sendiri skrg.. Aku sgt sgt sedih.. Ya Allah.. Macam manalah pointer ku nanti.. Aku perlukan pointer yg bgs utk Sem 1 ni Tuhan tapi bila dapat result Contract terus aku nmpk gelapnya masa dpnku..

Kenapa? Kenapa? Sedih bah.. Sumpah aku speechless.. I dunno what else to say..

Aku ndak boleh redha.. Xboleh.. This is too much.. Just too much for me..