A Load of Stress

I am about to pull out my hair!!!!!

I screamed like that for the past two weeks. I can feel that everyday the pressure onto me is getting worst and worsen. This battle between me and a load of stress, I don't have any backup and help, well that was I thought irrationally because I was too depressed with everything that I could not handle by myself.

Masalahnya sekarang, aku stress sebenarnya. Dalam aku try mau atasi stress tu, aku involved dgn many aktiviti and at the same time, aku try my best utk atur betul-2 masaku for everyday rutin. I try very hard utk ubah cara studyku. It's pretty hard, tapi aku xmau give up. It's hard sbb aku kena korban byk masa rehatku, and aku kena kejar masa utk ke sana sini.

For now, starting sem 2 sejak hari tu, aku try utk selalu luangkan lebih banyak masa di library utk ulang kaji, if can, everyday. At college, aku ajar diriku utk tidak byk tidur and stay up utk study klu aku ndak busy waktu malam, or, if aku ada practice waktu malam, aku cuba tidur seawal jam1 pagi and try utk tdur 3-4 jam jak supaya aku dpt bgun subuh utk ulang kaji. Itu eksperimen yg aku cuba buat skrg. Mmglah ada masanya aku terbabas jgk sbb ttidur kepenatan, tp aku cuba utk everyday if I can. Sbb aku xmau bhenti utk terus buat dan berusaha. Lama-lama nanti, aku yakin aku boleh biasakan diri.

Aku buat semua ni semata-mata mau dptkan pointer terbaik utk sem ni. Aku ndak mintak byk, aku cuma mau buat yg terbaik, improve diriku, kemahiranku and pengetahuanku and dptkan pointer 3.0 above utk final exam. God willing, if I'm in the right track, God will help me.

Mana-mana benda aku ndak paham, aku akan cri kwn2ku utk bertanya, sana sini aku cuba semua cara utk improve diriku. Temptation mmg sgt berat, tp aku berusaha lawan sedaya upayaku.

Unfortunately, few days ni, mmg aku dlm dilema. Stress makin menjadi-2. Aku ada masalah dgn sorg lecture ni yg mmg ndak suka dgn aku. Last week dia kenakan aku utk jadi tutor dlm kelas tutorialnya akan dtg. Mmg nahas lah aku jawabnya sbb kena take over tempatnya and dia akan jd salah seorg student dlm kelas tu. Aku disuruhnya handle kelas tutor tu. Masalahnya, aku risau bila dia akan tny aku and aku ndak boleh mau jawab. Sbb tu aku pening betul pikir benda ni. Tutorial tu isnin akan dtg ni. Td ada lah buat discussion dgn classmates tutorial ku tapi ndak semua dtg jd hopefully lah everything will turns out good for me. Actually aku ndak kisah dia mau marah, bentak aku skalipun, maki hamun kah apa, aku suda biasa dgn semua tu. Cuma aku stress sbb aku kena skor utk papernya and really dun want to repeat her paper. I will try my best utk pikat hatinya walaupun aku bukan student yg menyerlah sgt, Law is quite hard for me, honestly speaking jd aku try my best utk improve day by day.

Seriously, that lecturer mmg mghantui hidupku sehari2. Ndak lengkap hariku klu ndak ckp psl dia dlm sehari. Aku realize benda tu. Keep mention her name everyday. It hurts me at the same time sbb dikenakan begitu teruk.  God... let things run smoothly for me this upcoming Monday. Amen..

And yeah, for this time being, aku cuba utk dekatkan diri lebih kepada Tuhan. Every Sunday aku try my best utk celebrate hari Sabat dgn kwn2 ku yg sama2 Kristian mcm aku. I feel bless sbb for the first time in forever aku diberkati dgn kwn2 seiman yg akan jd pendampingku utk pigi gereja. Dorg jgk lah yg bawak aku utk Bible Learning yg first time aku alami di sini. Suatu pengalaman yg baru dan sgt menyenangkan utk aku. I am very blessed on this part. Thank You Father. Thank You Jesus.

There are two things yg buat aku depressed jugak skrg, first is about my family at Tawau and secondly, my friends at UPSI.

Pasal my dear friends di UPSI tu, actually aku suda janji mau jumpa dorg, I mean lawat dorg di UPSI sana this weekend. Tapi tu lah, kita merancang, Tuhan yang tentukan. Masa aku plan mau ke UPSI tu mmg before lecturer aku kenakan aku utk jd tutor. And, aku pun lupa yg this Sunday aku ada event ambang FESENI yg aku punya group puisi kena perform. Aku mmg tlupa event tu this weekend. So this week mmg aku busy dgn practice tiap2 malam sampai lewat malam. At the same time aku pun kena atur pelajaranku jgk, jd mmg hectic lah jadualku skrg. And then, this Saturday, yg aku janji mau p UPSI tu jgk lah ada pertandingan mooting di fakulti tu. Althou aku ndak participate, tp aku mau tgk perjalanan pertandingan tu sbb second year nnt aku pun kena mooting jgk sbb itu mmg kira wajib di Law School. Sbb tu aku perlukan guidelines so aku mmg kena perhatikan betul2 how the mooting actually work.

Sbb tu aku mmg feel guilty btl dgn dorg di UPSI but aku sendiri stuck dlm situasi yg btul2 byk bg tekanan dgn aku. I am really sorry guys. Aku ndak minta kamu paham aku, and aku pun ndak mampu mau explain byk dgn kamu. Because basically all the reason will just turns out to be excuses for me.I don't want to give any excuses nor reason. I really can't do anything except for asking forgiveness. (-_-*)

About my home, the only thing that I can say is that I am hurt when I heard that my parents bgaduh lagi di rumah sana. Mak, Bapak, sudahlah bgaduh. Aku slalu doakan mamak sama bapak di sini supaya slalu sihat, kuat and baik2 jak. Aku enam bulan sudah di sini mak, pak. Mau pulang rumah pun mmg ndak boleh mak, pak. Aku cuma boleh telefon jak pi rumah tanya2 kabar, dgr suara mamak sama bapak, itu pun suda cukup bsyukur suda aku. Suda cukup bagi aku strength utk teruskan hidup di sini, teruskan azam di sini. Tapi bila dgr mamak sama bapak ada konflik lagi di sini, it affect me as well here. Dari dulu aku slalukan doakan utk kharmonian dlm rumah kita, sbb aku pernah alami benda dpn mataku yg aku ndak mau berulang lagi. Cukuplah rasa sakit yg dulu tu. Jgnlah berulang lagi. Dear God, the only thing that I want is my parents to live in peace and no fight between them. Jauhkanlah mana2 anasir luar yg cuma mgoyahkan ketenangan rumahku. I'm begging you my dear God.. I love both of my parents, I don't want to hate any of them. Bagi kekuatan dgn kakak ku Neli supaya dia ndak tganggu dgn masalah di rumah tu terlalu byk. Bless her Jesus. And for my sister, Yanti, please, show her the right path. Jgn buatkan dia tsasar and always make her respect her own mother and father.

Dear God, I love my parents, sisters and brothers, please, do take care of them and bless them, Jesus. And also for my deares friends, whoever them, wherever they are, bless them and take care of them. I am happy if my family are doing fine and also my friends are doing good.. =)