Tuesday, 11 July 2017

The End of Uni-Life.. I'm Struggling...

After a year of break, here I am writing again. My last post was in 2015, and I stop writing in 2016 due to packed schedule and studying so hard for my Law degree, so now I'm back to blog again 'cos I have nothing to do at the moment a.k.a jobless after I have finished my final exam last June. Ha-Ha.

Life has been boring, boring and so boring since I've done my final exam. I spent two weeks looking for a part time job, went to interview, and still waiting for a call after the interview. It's quite tough, thou I'm living in KL, the so called major city and a lot of works opportunity. Not sure if I'm being picky or just that something refrain me from applying jobs that I can't fulfill the requirements.

But, yeah, I can't give up so easily in finding a job, right? I've heard people being jobless for years and I really hope I am not in that category of people. In the meantime while waiting, I should get myself together and learn something new everyday, so that my days won't go away wasted with useless life routine.

I am currently waiting for my final exam result. It will be out within 6 days, I'm so nervous and scared. It will determine whether or not I will be able to graduate this October. Lets hope and pray that I will, with a great result. :') Amen..

In the meantime, I'm staying with my brothers (as always for four years already). They are doing good and I hope I will too. Lets hope that I will write a better post next time cuz I'm out of words already. 😄😄😄

Anyway, pray your little prayers, angel. Better things are coming for those who waits. :)

Sunday, 11 October 2015

You're Such A Bitch, Girl

So here am I.. after months of not writing in this blog, I finally come back and writing stuff again. The funny thing is that, this time I was so pissed off that I decided to write down every shit that happened. And yes, I used the not-good-words already. So much of growing up I guess.

I don't know why I have so much hatred for this one girl. I am not interested to describe her at all, but whatever she did were more than enough to make people hate her more. You know when you are in control of a group of people or a society, you have this responsible to serve your people and do what's best for them. In our case, she was responsible to defend our so-called-tradition that we don't wanna lose. She was in charge because senior should be replaced by the next generation.

I was doing that tradition for two years and I am so attached with it ever since I was in my freshman year. Me and my friends hold on so tight with the tradition, call us old-school or whatever, but we kept our treasure deep inside us.

But when this bitch took over the job to lead our group, we were in a dispute where the admin were planning to make a new project and move on with the tradition. Well the tradition is actually the every year cultural nights that each ethnic in our college are in charge to do. It was our only thing to proud of as a minority group in this college.

Nevertheless, the voice of every people is being counted. So every group of ethnic must decide to do each of cultural night of just combine it into one. A meeting was held between us which includes all the junior and senior. The majority of the votes leads to a decision which we stand up for our own cultural night. We are so gonna make it and fight for it. That was the final decision that was written on the meeting's report. And that was also the decision that that bitch should have brought up to the admin.

And to our surprise, she did not. She betray our democracy and majority decision with her selfish evil plan of rejecting to continue doing our tradition event. What she did during the admin's meeting came to my knowledge and it just switch on these beast mode and bitch mode inside of me.

Which means that, I am so gonna shoot her in the next meeting that gather our group and during that moment, you are so gonna be dead meat bitch.

Enough of giving you so much chances to prove yourself that you're actually aren't as bad as what we with think,but you just make it even worst. I have lost respect to you bitch.

You betray a tradition because you have your own agenda to make yourself famous of doing a so-called-big project which none of us actually think that you are capable to do it. Because you are never able to do anything. Maybe you should first learn to change your attitude and do you job instead of making us hate you more for being such a bitch.

Are you that desperate to chase for fame? You never learn to carry your responsibility and what makes me feel so disgusting about you is that you do not represent your people to the best of your ability. Yet, you betray them. And it simply define that you don't deserve to be a leader. You never will.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Trying To Live Life

I feel like I'm not alive at the moment. There's something empty inside of me. This is weird when in the middle of pack schedule of lectures, tutorials and also activities, I feel something killing me inside. I don't what it is, but it does affect my feeling and thoughts.

I feel depressed, frustrated and stress..

Stupid me. I hate myself. I hate my life.

Friday, 30 January 2015

How I Did Before and How Can I, For Now?

Its near the end of January now.. Pheww~ time flies so fast ne.. Can't believe it has been one month since the new year.. So, what have I done for the past one month? NOTHING. Dammit.. Why do I always wasting my time for sleeping and useless things. *Damn lazy May.. Ternak lah tu perangai buruk sampai ke tua. :|

So, today is the day for the exam's result.. I still cannot check mine. I guess it will be late.. I dunno.. I've seen a lot of people posted in FB today about their result.. Ofcoz, they shared their happy and grateful feeling for having such a great achievement. While me? Still stuck with my 'telur di hujung tanduk'  zone and near the hell's door.  T_T  ..I can't have like what they got, all I ever asked is to pass all my paper and achieve a better pointer.. I dunno why suddenly everything becomes so hard.. It's so different now and then.. :|

What is it, God? What went wrong in my journey? Why everything has fallen apart when I enter Law School? Why everything becomes harder than anything I ever face before? Why everything is now out of my control? I can't take it anymore sometimes.. I have to comfort myself since the very beginning that I can do this all, but after third semester, I've just seen myself not changing and the pressure is getting bigger and harder, and I can't see that I'm moving to anywhere at all.. I said I'll try my best, but I guess its just not enough based on what I get..

I wonder, why izit so hard for me to do well in Law School? Is it because I'm focusing on two things in one time? Should I cut down my activities and let go of all my other commitment and just focus as a Law Student.. Will that makes thing better for me? Or will it just be the same?

I will feel lifeless without participating in any activity and society.. How can I live my life then? :'(

Why all this thing is killing me inside and out.. :'(

Tell me God, how can I make myself better in Law School? I dunno what else to do.. Less effort, izit? What should I do? What should I do? I keep on thinking how to solve all this problems and I am stuck with this suck feeling inside.. I just hate myself when I can't do better and disappointed my family.. NO! I should not have done that. I should make my family proud instead. But I still can't figure out how to make things going well..

I find myself with lots of weakness when I arrived here.. It is so different with my situation before.. Studying was fun and challenging back then. I was so full of passion and eager to achieve great things.. Now, studying is like hell.. It is challenging, full of pressure from many sides, and it is link with my future, so I can't play around and everything need to be serious.. But, I find myself lost in a dessert. I, sometimes dunno where am I heading. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I lost faith in myself. And I just feel like a biggest loser on earth.

Its like I barely can't do anything and just being dumb. While everyone is running towards a better future, I was just sitting on a bench, doing nothing and watching people around me move very fast. So fast that I can't even catch them up.. What's wrong actually? :'(

I can't be like this. I can't be like a loser. NO! I was a damn good fighter before. I went thru a lot of hardship in studying, I am able to survive before, why can't I do that too, now?

Why am I being such a loser now? :'(

I guess You are trying to tell me like before, that it ain't easy to achieve something great. Yes, I am the type of person that is always thirst for great achievement.. After all, what are life for if we didn't do our best to make great things and you know, to be success in extraordinary ways as much as possible.. :')

Yeah, I am greedy.. I'm craving for success. I wanted to be outstanding. I wanted to be more and more successful than I had before. I don't want to be just an ordinary girl. I am capable to be more than that. I can learn and I know I can do whatever I wanted. I need my passion and endless efforts back.

I wanna achieve more great things while I'm still young. I know its not easy.. I know I have to suffer a lot. I will take all the risk. But, God, please be with me.. :'( You're my source of strength. I know I sometimes mad at You when I started to question the struggles and sh*t that happened in my life. Those satan always find a way to bring me far from You. But, You will always find me back.. :') I might get lost, but Your love gives me the way back home.. You're my greatest "home".. I will always feel safe wherever I am, because I know, God will always stand by me..

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.."
Winston Churchill

Such an inspiring quote that I shall remember whenever I feel down.. :')

I know, the road to success is never been easy.. There's no short cut, and especially for someone like me with 'rare background', its harder than any other normal person.. Sometimes I can be so strong and forget all the obstacles that I possessed, but sometimes, I can be so weak and cried over all the things that blocked me from doing the normal things that others can easily do..

I have so many dreams and wishes.. I really wanted to do all of it before I die.. I wanna pushed myself so hard while I'm still young so that I can achieve all the wishes that I have.. Maybe, I did have silly wishes that others can easily do..but its different when you are in my shoes.. Even those little things that people find it simple, could be so hard and risky for me to do.. 'Cuz I am not like them. I have 'something' on me that prevent me from doing things that I wanted.. How I wish I was born with such convenience, ease and pleasure.. But I know life won't be challenging then.. All I ever wanted is just one thing and every sh*t that may come, I don't mind at all.. I will face it with all my strength.. But, its just so hard for me to get that thanggg.. And all my strength are wasted for that one thing..

Don't give up May.. :') Fight till the end.. I know what I am capable of.. This one thing can't prevent me from creating a better future for myself.. I will defeat it.. Only the stronger will survive, and I am one of the strongest person that will survive..

Life is weird.. It can be so easy and it can be so hard.. I dunno what's waiting for me in front, but I'm just hoping and preparing myself for every difficulties that I need to face.. I hate to complain, feel down and losing strength.. It makes me feel suck. It makes me hate myself for not strong enough to fight the battle, and to sum up everything, I hate to be a loser. That is not me. 

Dammit May.. How can I get through everything?.. :'( Is there any hope left for me to do well in my Law School? Will I be able to achieve what I need to get for a better future? Am I able to handle everything though it might seems impossible to get through it? :'( I really don't know..

I'm trying my best to gain myself again. To train myself to be stronger and better in handling trouble situation.. I should do my best since before.. Geez.. Why?? Just why do I make such a late movement... I hate myself.. I feel like I'm a bit late now.. Still crawling and there are so many things that I need to chase. :'( How can I fix everything?? 

I am praying very hard, hoping so bad and should have put a huge effort if I wanna make everything happen with great success.. I need to push myself harder.. I will try my best to prepare myself for the worst while I'm still in holiday mood.. 

Well, not really a holiday anymore.. Its the end of January and soon gonna enter February, means I need to start my part time job and I will be busy.. I just hope that I'll be more productive than before.. Fighting!!

Just stop complaining May... Thank God for everything, the good and bad things.. I shall be grateful for everything.. At least, I'm still breathing, safe and sound.. And still got chances to fix my weakness and get everything fall back into place.. I got mission to complete, I still have a long journey and a great battle to fight.. Wipe my tears, get back into that fighter mood, and I still gonna fight for my future.. I will.. I will fix everything.. Just give me chances, don't give me too much pressure.. Let me learn to handle my own battle.. :')

Geez.. and for the result.. Please be nice to me.. No matter what the result that may come out, I hope to stay strong and never give up.. Jesus, help me.. :')

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

A Growing Up Woman

It has been 28 days since 2015 come and bring a new year to me. This is a year that I'm gonna be a 22 years old lady. How time flies so fast. I started writing blog since I'm 18 years old. Been telling stories ever since that. The happiness, sadness, struggle and everything that had push me down to hell or lifted me up to heaven. Time has brought me into different circumstances. Despite all that, I am grateful I am still breathing in this world today and still fighting the battle of the life. I am still be the girl who will survive all the challenges in life.

2015, what will I face this year? It is a total different year for me. A year I wanna be matured than before, a year I'm gonna achieve great things for me to smile at when I'm old, a year that I will make my family proud of me by doing excellent in my studies and life, a year that I will also work hard find money as much as I can as a young adult that will make use of her younger life. A year that I will build stronger bond with my friends and society, and also met more new people to be my friends. Last but not least, a year that I have someone special with me. :')

For the past 21 years, I've met more than enough guys in my life. There's a quote saying

"From 16 to 22, you will meet a lot of temporary people."

Yes, I did met so many temporary people.. But I never regret it. It has been a good lesson for me. To know so many types of people in this world. I have to agree that, some people are not meant to stay in our life, some stay, some go.. After all, it's life. :')

But then, when I think back of all the time that I have wasted for the wrong people, I feel so stupid. I can't gain back all the time that I have lost. So, I have to make use of the time that I have now and in the future. Life is so unpredicted sometimes. As I was moving on from all of my stupid mistakes and focus on build my better future, God give me someone. Someone that told me that I am blessing in his life.. It was like, God give me this gift to fill my day with more love and to get more closer to Him. 

I've been praying all my life that I wanted God to sent me someone that is the same religion with me. Its all that I ever ask from the beginning. The reason is because I want to choose someone because of his religion, and that will tied me more to God and also him. It has never been easy.. And then I found someone..or he found me. I don't know which way it was. Suddenly everything change. I am still the same May, but inside me has changed. I told myself, it's time for me to change my bad attitude of flirting with temporary people and focus on someone that will teach me many things.. I'm still learning.. Learning on how to love, how to be loyal and how to keep everything going on well with me trying to fit him into my life.. There's gonna be a lot of challenges, and I am taking all the risk to be in this position.. But God, I will try my best.. Just keep this one for me.. I want him because I feel that I can get myself closer to You by him.. :') You're still gonna be my first priority.

Ok, cut the story bout my special someone.. Now, lets focus on the future May.. 

Geez, my third semester result will be out soon.. I dun wanna talk much bout it, I am praying and hoping that it will be much better than the previous. I need it so bad. :'( God... help me. 

I know how hard it is studying for Law School.. Pressure from family, lecturers, peers.. It ain't easy.. Sometimes the pressure makes me even stronger, but sometimes I'm feeling weak.. Its just normal. Ups and downs of life.. No matter what happen, I just gotta keep going. Keep the motion.. Aim for best future ahead, and I will achieve it..by hook or by crook. Sometimes, just sometimes.. We need to be cruel.. That's how we deal with this cruel world of people chasing their dreams.

Fight your own battle, no one will help you till the end except yourself. God gives you strength from time to time, so make use of it wisely. :')

God.. help me to grow up to be a better woman day by day.. I want my inner self to be pure and beautiful.. That's what matter the most.. The inner part of myself. To get rid of my darker side. Eventually, the inside of me will outgrow to show the better personality of my external..

God willing.. Open the eyes of my heart, dear Lord..for a better way of living thru Your love.. Amen.. :')

Thursday, 13 November 2014

I'm Getting Older

It's been two months since my last post. I was busy with working. Then, right after I enter UM again for new semester, I was busy with my activities and studying. Well, not rili studying. I am very left out in studying for the past 8 weeks. I focus more on my commitment rather than my studying. I feel very bad on myself now. It's my self reflection time. I got less than 7 weeks to cover back all the 8 weeks that I have wasted and I need to work very hard for this another 6 weeks left. I know, I'm such a bad student. I have missed a lot of morning classes. Damn, I need a wake up call. :( Mom, can you call me like everyday to wake me up for lecture? I miss you so much Mom... Dad....

It's been a year without Mom and and Dad beside me. I cannot go back home. I feel empty without my family. I'm such a bad daughter. I rarely pray for them. I did but not always. I'm sorry Mak.. Bapak..

Sorry for I am the only child who cannot go back to see every semester break. While all my friends were busy buying ticket to go back to hometown, I can only see and do nothing. I can only pray that you both will be fine there even without me. I'm sorry... :(

I'm turning 22 next year, another 8 months to go.. I'm gonna getting older without you both by my side. And you gonna live life without me taking care of you there. Although we have issues for the years that we have live together, but still, you are the family that God have chosen for me. I only have one mother and one father, forever 'till I die. I may not be the best daughter ever.. But, I promise to never stop loving you guys and pray for you every second of my life...

I dunno why I started to talk about Mom and Dad.. I guess I just really miss them so much now....

I know I said to everyone that I don't even miss my family in hometown.. But someone noticed that, I will always 'eat my own words'.. Yes, indeed. I said I won't cry in front of the public, but I burst into tears because I cannot hold the sadness and pressure for not be able to protect the people that I really wanted to defend. I didn't lied when I said I don't cry in front of the public. I really don't. But when I did, it just show how weak I am as a human being that cannot stand the pressure any longer. I can be so weak sometimes. :(

I'm 21 years, 6 months and 5 days old now. I'm growing up becoming a more matured person/lady day by day. The maturity that have growth in me has changed me physically and emotionally. Some people said to me that I look much more matured now.. some said that they can see the seniority on my face.. The experienced senior is obvious on my face.. I just feel that everyone want to said that I'm getting older now and it is obvious on my face.. I just feel weird.. When I worked during the last three months, all the people in my workplace said that I look like 18, like a kid, like a high school student. None of the customers or staff ever said that I look old or matured. Ha ha ha. Well, I guess different places brings out the different side of me.

God.. Am I a bad girl? I don't know myself sometimes. I don't know whether things that I do or did are/were right or wrong. I just confused sometimes. I can be so confused on how to live according to your ways.. :( I am so clueless and confuse and a weak human being. I feel bad about myself. I am easily distracted. Easily forgot my own goal.. God... :(

I've just found a very nice song.. I feel so calm when I listen to it.. It reminds me of me when I was lost and almost leave my Lord forever. It was the most regretful decision ever.. I'm sorry God.. :( I started a new life with you when I entered UM. Thank you for this second chance of living life with You and enduring challenges in life with You.. Guide me with Your love, and keep my heart stronger to stay with You no matter what happened.. :)

Here's my favourite line of the song,

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

Oh, I'm going back to the start of loving Jesus, believe Him and Heavenly Father, and live my life to worship my Lord, my God, my Savior. Amen. :)

Thursday, 21 August 2014

How Lonely I Can Be?

It's 21 August today, it been more than a month since my last post here. I got a job last month as a promoter at Isetan KLCC, so I was damn busy with my working life and I don't have time to write anything here. My exam result was out last month too. I did pretty bad again. I only managed to get 2.66 CGPA. And I failed one subject, which is obviously Family Law. I move on from grieving about my result already. Yeah, I did break a little (well, maybe more) but at least I did some improvement and I still need to work harder for next semester. I have done my best, I could not blame myself continuously (which I actually did whenever I remember my worst result, but I cannot give up on myself. Really really need to work very very hard for my second year.. Need to get more serious than usual I guess.. I'm just afraid I'll turns out to be someone, that even I can't recognize myself. But what else can I do to upgrade my pointer? Is there any other path that I can take except being serious to my future?

Well cut it off about pointer. It's something that I will focus when I get back to later in few more weeks. What I really want to share here is about how lonely I am now. Damn lonely. Forever lonely.

Today, I logged out from my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Wechat. For awhile I don't wanna use that apps. I just need a break from my social life and see what difference it will make to me. I am so into my social apps and I forget that there are lots of thing that I have left behind. I am very used to staring at phone 24/7 until  I forgot to be alert to my surrounding.

My major problem is that I am that very lonely and I depends with those apps to keep me alive everyday. That is my problem. To get myself a real life again. What the heck is happening to me? Why am I feel so lonely?

Couldn't I for a day stop using those apps and live my life like a normal me few years ago without those apps? I realize that I wasted lots of my time for those social apps. Too much time wasted which I suppose to use it by doing beneficial things.

So, now am I teaching myself to not depends much on those apps. Let start a new fresh lifestyle. Why must I wasted lots of my time for the internet. It is so not healthy.

Lets just speak the truth May, you are so lonely right?

Yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I live in KL without my parents, just live here with my brothers whom I rarely speak with, and for 6 months I'll be living in my college with my friends, how can I not be lonely?

I am forever single and forever lonely.........

I am so stuck in my lonely world and I have no idea why is it like this and what to do.

So, to answer how lonely I can be?

I really need to make myself closer to God so that I won't feel alone. I know, still I'm alone even thou I focus much on worship God, but at least I wanna feel His presence near me everyday.. Even thou I'm alone, I want to be alone with Him.. Maybe it's the best way for me to reflect on my life.. As I depends much on those social apps, I should now stop now.