Thursday, 13 November 2014

I'm Getting Older

It's been two months since my last post. I was busy with working. Then, right after I enter UM again for new semester, I was busy with my activities and studying. Well, not rili studying. I am very left out in studying for the past 8 weeks. I focus more on my commitment rather than my studying. I feel very bad on myself now. It's my self reflection time. I got less than 7 weeks to cover back all the 8 weeks that I have wasted and I need to work very hard for this another 6 weeks left. I know, I'm such a bad student. I have missed a lot of morning classes. Damn, I need a wake up call. :( Mom, can you call me like everyday to wake me up for lecture? I miss you so much Mom... Dad....

It's been a year without Mom and and Dad beside me. I cannot go back home. I feel empty without my family. I'm such a bad daughter. I rarely pray for them. I did but not always. I'm sorry Mak.. Bapak..

Sorry for I am the only child who cannot go back to see every semester break. While all my friends were busy buying ticket to go back to hometown, I can only see and do nothing. I can only pray that you both will be fine there even without me. I'm sorry... :(

I'm turning 22 next year, another 8 months to go.. I'm gonna getting older without you both by my side. And you gonna live life without me taking care of you there. Although we have issues for the years that we have live together, but still, you are the family that God have chosen for me. I only have one mother and one father, forever 'till I die. I may not be the best daughter ever.. But, I promise to never stop loving you guys and pray for you every second of my life...

I dunno why I started to talk about Mom and Dad.. I guess I just really miss them so much now....

I know I said to everyone that I don't even miss my family in hometown.. But someone noticed that, I will always 'eat my own words'.. Yes, indeed. I said I won't cry in front of the public, but I burst into tears because I cannot hold the sadness and pressure for not be able to protect the people that I really wanted to defend. I didn't lied when I said I don't cry in front of the public. I really don't. But when I did, it just show how weak I am as a human being that cannot stand the pressure any longer. I can be so weak sometimes. :(

I'm 21 years, 6 months and 5 days old now. I'm growing up becoming a more matured person/lady day by day. The maturity that have growth in me has changed me physically and emotionally. Some people said to me that I look much more matured now.. some said that they can see the seniority on my face.. The experienced senior is obvious on my face.. I just feel that everyone want to said that I'm getting older now and it is obvious on my face.. I just feel weird.. When I worked during the last three months, all the people in my workplace said that I look like 18, like a kid, like a high school student. None of the customers or staff ever said that I look old or matured. Ha ha ha. Well, I guess different places brings out the different side of me.

God.. Am I a bad girl? I don't know myself sometimes. I don't know whether things that I do or did are/were right or wrong. I just confused sometimes. I can be so confused on how to live according to your ways.. :( I am so clueless and confuse and a weak human being. I feel bad about myself. I am easily distracted. Easily forgot my own goal.. God... :(

I've just found a very nice song.. I feel so calm when I listen to it.. It reminds me of me when I was lost and almost leave my Lord forever. It was the most regretful decision ever.. I'm sorry God.. :( I started a new life with you when I entered UM. Thank you for this second chance of living life with You and enduring challenges in life with You.. Guide me with Your love, and keep my heart stronger to stay with You no matter what happened.. :)

Here's my favourite line of the song,

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

Oh, I'm going back to the start of loving Jesus, believe Him and Heavenly Father, and live my life to worship my Lord, my God, my Savior. Amen. :)

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